Early sobriety is tough.  I did not expect that when I stopped drinking I would suddenly start to feel life with a new intensity.  I thought quitting drinking just meant that I would be more bored than usual and that I might need a new hobby.  Once I realized that I really wanted permanent sobriety, I knew that I was going to have to find some new ways to cope with everything I was feeling.  I committed to going through the 12 steps, and I allowed myself to be guided by others with more experience in sobriety.  My mind was clear enough for me to realize that I had nothing to lose.

I stopped drinking when I was 28.  I was single, I worked part-time, and I was back living with my parents.  When the reality of my situation really hit me, my self-esteem was really low.  I felt a new level of inferiority that I had not experienced before.  I felt like a failure.  I was scared of the world, and scared of growing up. I feared that I would never be independent.  Sobriety did not feel like a gift.  It was more like losing what was most important to me. 

It took every bit of faith and hope I had to go forward with the 12 steps.  As I went through the steps, I had to face some tough realities about who I was and what drove my decision making-mainly fear.  I began to realize that my problems were of my own making. These realizations coupled with my already low level of self-esteem were incredibly uncomfortable.  Being uncomfortable made me want to change, but I had no idea how to change.  How could I start feeling better about myself?

One day I heard the answer I was looking for at a 12 step meeting.  It may have been said a thousand times before and a thousand times since, but it was a novel idea when I heard it.
The only way to build self-esteem is to do estimable acts.  That idea made sense to me.  If it needed to be built, it would require constructive action on my part.  But what exactly was an estimable act?

It seemed complicated, but it was actually simple.  I needed to start doing things for other people.  I started small.  I offered people rides to and from meetings.  I became more helpful around the house.  I made an effort to talk to other newcomers even though I was still painfully shy.  I had to start somewhere.  Even these small acts helped.  The busier I was, the less time I spent thinking about myself and my own misery.

As time passed, I did more.  I volunteered to drive some women from a half way house to meetings on a weekly basis.  I began monthly commitments to bring meetings at a rehab and a detox facility.  If there was an opportunity to help, I jumped on it.  I started to meet other people who were equally devoted to volunteering their time and effort.  I was always under the impression that all helpful people were just naturally inclined to be helpful.  Once I began talking to these people I realized that they were more like me than I thought.  We were all just doing what we needed to do for our sobriety and to create some change in our lives.

After a year of sobriety, I began to build a healthy level of confidence.  I did have to watch to make sure that my motives were right when I volunteered my time.  Was it an opportunity to be helpful or an opportunity for people to praise me and think I was wonderful.  I fell short on that more than once.  The ultimate result was that when I chose to do something that just fed my ego, the end result was that I felt worse instead of better.  Helping people is great, but my motives have to be right.  The key is to be helpful without having expectations about what you will receive in return.  Going through the rest of the 12 steps helped me to be more mindful of my motives.

Within a year and a half I moved out of my parents house, and I got a full time job.  It was terrifying and fulfilling all at once.  It was my first time living on my own and totally supporting myself.  I was lonely and scared one minute, then blissfully marveling at my new independence the next.  It took me a while to even out emotionally once again, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.  I showed up for work.  I showed up for my volunteer commitments.  I showed up for my family. I paid my bills. It was long way for me to come in a year and a half.  The change in my self-esteem was not just due to my ability to take care of myself independently.  Something else shifted during that time, and it was a more subtle change.  I stopped measuring myself by imaginary standards and appearances.  I became grateful with what I had instead of envious of what I lacked.