Tag Archives: Mental Health

My Struggles Now

After reviewing my posts and some of the comments I received, I realize that there is one thing that I should clarify. Life is good, and I am content most of the time. That does not mean that I do not still have struggles. When I decided to write this blog it was to satisfy two goals. First, it is a productive emotional outlet. Once my head cleared, I had so much to say about my experience. Secondly, I realized that my experience could potentially help someone else. If my motives for posting change, I may need to reevaluate the need to have a blog on this topic. I must be careful to not make this an ego feeding, pride serving enterprise. I continually need to check my motives for posting everything I write. It is a simple test that can be answered by one question: is it selfish or not?

I am fine with recounting my past struggles and the solutions I have found for them. It is the truth of my past experience. Now I also need to be honest about the truth of my current experience. I am not without worries, insecurities and other forms of fear. When I realize they are there, I do my best to take actions towards changing them. Some of them are more deep seeded than others.

Commitment. I’ve lived in my condo for two years before I put a single nail in the wall. 6 months later, I still cannot decide what to hang on the few nails I put in. This does not just apply to home decor. I struggle with commitment in most areas of my life. Fear of commitment is everywhere, from relationships, to important life decisions. I did finally commit to buying this condo after renting it for a year and a half. I would like to say that I made a practical adult decision by buying it, but it was really a struggle between fear of commitment and fear of financial insecurity. Do I give up the ability to run away at a moments notice in exchange for not having to pay a 30 year mortgage into my 70s? Now add in the fear of commitment that will likely lead me to being a single woman in my 70’s and that I will always be paying my mortgage on my own. The conclusion is, holy sh*t I better buy now, or I will be working forever. So I bought my place. Now I like to stare at the amortization calculator to see how much additional principal I can pay each month to shorten this 30 year commitment.

Relationships. Family. Friends. Romantic. Not good at commitment with any of these. Here is where some of these are at today.

Family. My parents and I have come a long way. I was just internally patting myself on the back about this one, and then I remembered I was not sharing the fact that I started this blog with them, or my brother because it is too personal. That is telling. I also adore my niece and nephew, but I still find myself reluctant and afraid to reach out to them and be really involved in their lives. This is high on my list of priorities for this year.

Friends. I may not have a single friend that I have served adequately. People I love dearly, and that I carry with me all the time, are still neglected and our relationships suffered. This is a tough one for me. Alcoholism and eating disorders really separated me from my friends. I missed engagements, weddings, births of children, birthdays, over and over from one friend to the next. Most of the time I missed those events I was sitting alone in my room, just unable to take a step out the door. This produces an ache inside me that is hard to bear, but that is meaningless if I do not commit to taking action to right those wrongs.

Romantic relationships. Nothing short of a mine field. I rarely date anymore. I am not interested in marriage or children of my own (glaring commitment issue right there), so that suits me just fine. I like being alone, I like having my own space. I draw strength from being a single, successful, independent woman. However- I cannot pretend that my disinterest in romantic relationships isn’t connected to the fact that I become a complete insecure disaster in relationships, and I have done terrible harm to people that I love. Insecurity and jealousy can do horrible damage to something as pure and fragile as love.

Through the inventory and amends process of the 12 steps, I’ve done my best to right the wrongs of my past. As I wrote this post this morning, I realized a few more that should be made, and I will commit to making them. I am willing to approach people I harmed and admit my wrongs to them. The harder part for me is to allow the behavior to change, and avoid making the same mistakes again. I know that I tend to avoid relationships, instead of trying to approach relationships with a new mindset and new behavior.

Physical sobriety is not enough. My body is healing, and the clarity is returning. The wreckage of my past must be cleared, and I need to behave differently today. I must always be open to change. I cannot congratulate myself on a day without hurting people if it is achieved by not leaving the house and interacting with anyone.

More on My Food Plan

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In an earlier post I outlined the structure of my food plan. I get a lot of questions about what I eat, so I figured I should give some more detail in this. The short answer is that I eat healthy flavorful food. Often. My food plan can be amazing if I am willing to put the work in and be creative. Preparation is always key. I eat six times a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner and 3 small snacks. I now eat every 2 to 3 hours. I weigh all of my food. When I was actively compulsively overeating I rarely ate in the morning, and binged in the afternoon and at night. Now I find I am never over-hungry at any given point during the day. I also make a list of everything I plan to eat in the morning. I have someone I share that list with, and I stick to what I committed to eat. If I ever decide that I want to become a vegetarian or vegan, I can do so on this food plan. There is a lot of flexibility.

The nutritionist at Milestones in Recovery in Cooper City, Florida gave me my food plan. It works for me, so I stick with it. I am trusting my nutritionist with my life. I view my food plan as a life saving prescription. There were several reasons why this chose this particular facility. The first was the level of independence they give their patients. We lived off site from the actual treatment center in an apartment complex. We were required to do our own shopping and food preparation. We also had to help each other navigate the food plan and how to shop for the type of foods we were allowed to eat. As an adult living on my own, this was essential. It would do me no good to go away for a month where someone prepared my meals for me. I desperately needed to be able to learn how to live and take care of myself. All of the patients were over 18, and everyone was there voluntarily. If you are curious about their program, please visit their website: http://www.milestonesprogram.org.

I never was much of a cook before I went to treatment. I wanted fast, easy carb loaded food, and I wanted it in bulk. The binges were mindless and had little to do with taste or enjoyment. Now I eat more mindfully, and I work hard to make my meals flavorful and satisfying. I had to make friends with my spice rack. I also started a small herb garden. I never had much of a sweet tooth, but it still is tough to give up all sugar. I am allowed to have some artificial sweeteners, but I prefer not to use them. I eat a lot of plain Greek yogurt, and I will sweeten it with sugar free and alcohol free vanilla flavoring made by Frontier. It is expensive, and I have only ever found it at Whole Foods. For me it is worth it.

I still drink coffee. I am only supposed to have 2 8 oz cups a day, but I usually have 3 or 4. This is my the one area I do not follow meticulously. For other beverages, I mostly drink water or lemon/lime seltzer. If I got out to lunch or dinner, I may have an unsweetened iced tea or a diet coke. I use unsweetened organic soy milk in my coffee. I don’t have to use soy milk, but I prefer it. Even when I was a kid I did not like dairy milk. I cannot have juice.

Traveling can be tricky for me, and I travel a lot for my job. Once again, it all comes down to planning and preparation. I bring a food scale with me on the road. I also bring some non-perishable foods that can cover the four main areas of my food plan (protein, fat, carbs, and fruit/vegetables). Some of my go to travel foods are raw almonds, unsweetened apple sauce, and Mary’s Gone Crackers (these are made primarily of brown rice, quinoa and sesame seeds). Almonds can serve as protein or fat on my food plan, apple sauce will cover fruit, and the crackers are a carb. I do my best to eat at restaurants, and then I fill in the gaps with my emergency food as needed.

It took some time to get used to weighing my food on a scale. I was willing to do anything though, and I found that the scale was actually a comfort to me within a few weeks. I never have to worry about eating too much or too little. I never feel stuffed or deprived. I always just feel comfortable. My friends, family and colleagues are now accustomed to seeing me with my food scale. I don’t mind using it in public. I do what I have to do.

Following my food plan keeps me sane. That is the main reason why I follow it. There are some additional side effects that come along with the food plan, though. I am healthier. I have a genetic blood disorder that seems to stay under control on this plan. I have to be careful about high iron levels in my blood, but my blood work is clean now. I am also losing a lot of weight. I only weigh myself every month or so. I do not have a scale in my home. I do not know what my high weight was when I went to rehab, but I would estimate that it was around 310-315 lbs. The last time I weighed myself was around a month ago, and I think I weighed around 230. I do not own a full length mirror. I mostly notice my weight loss because my clothes just don’t fit anymore. As soon as my clothes get too big, I bag them up and give them to charity. Focusing on weight loss and my body shape or appearance is just not healthy for me. It is not why I follow my food plan, and I know I am in a dangerous place if that is the reason why I follow it.

Sharing the Personal Publicly

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My first time I really shared my addiction issues publicly was a post I made on Facebook back on November 5th, 2012. It was around the anniversary of the passing of my dear friend Lisa. My love for my friend and my grief over her passing were part of what pushed me towards full recovery. I had no idea how overwhelming the response would be from my friends, family and co-workers. I was especially amazed by how many people sent me inbox messages about their own struggles or struggles of their loved ones. I am really motivated to write more about my experience after that. It became clear to me that I really was not the only person struggling, and people found relief in knowing that they were not alone. Here is that post from 11/05/12:

Most of you know that I have been sober for a long time now. I quit drinking over 8 years ago. I am now also celebrating 6 months of recovery from my hardest obstacle yet: eating disorders. I always debate whether I should share such personal information about my recovery, and I usually come to the same conclusion. Even if 99% of my Facebook friends think it is too much information to share, there is always the chance that 1% may be suffering from something similar, and they may get some hope from my experience. I am always happy to receive private messages with questions. I am just happy to be living a sane life, working, paying my bills, spending time with my dog and my family without being crushed by the constant tyranny of my addictions.

When my friend Lisa passed away a two years ago, I was left feeling guilt as well as grief. I was dying slowly every day that I was not getting help. Lisa would have given anything to have an opportunity to recover from cancer the way that I had opportunities to recover from my problems with food. I knew that treatment was available if I could just take the step and get help. My only impediments were my fear and my pride. It took another year and a half, but I finally took action last May. Part of me did for the opportunity that Lisa did not have. The other part of me did it for myself because I just was not ready to quit living yet.

Thank you to everyone who had a hand out to help. You know who you are, my angels of love and patience and kindness.

PS, 4/25/13- Lisa, you are always with me.