Tag Archives: Food

More on My Food Plan

In an earlier post I outlined the structure of my food plan. I get a lot of questions about what I eat, so I figured I should give some more detail in this. The short answer is that I eat healthy flavorful food. Often. My food plan can be amazing if I am willing to put the work in and be creative. Preparation is always key. I eat six times a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner and 3 small snacks. I now eat every 2 to 3 hours. I weigh all of my food. When I was actively compulsively overeating I rarely ate in the morning, and binged in the afternoon and at night. Now I find I am never over-hungry at any given point during the day. I also make a list of everything I plan to eat in the morning. I have someone I share that list with, and I stick to what I committed to eat. If I ever decide that I want to become a vegetarian or vegan, I can do so on this food plan. There is a lot of flexibility.

The nutritionist at Milestones in Recovery in Cooper City, Florida gave me my food plan. It works for me, so I stick with it. I am trusting my nutritionist with my life. I view my food plan as a life saving prescription. There were several reasons why this chose this particular facility. The first was the level of independence they give their patients. We lived off site from the actual treatment center in an apartment complex. We were required to do our own shopping and food preparation. We also had to help each other navigate the food plan and how to shop for the type of foods we were allowed to eat. As an adult living on my own, this was essential. It would do me no good to go away for a month where someone prepared my meals for me. I desperately needed to be able to learn how to live and take care of myself. All of the patients were over 18, and everyone was there voluntarily. If you are curious about their program, please visit their website: http://www.milestonesprogram.org.

I never was much of a cook before I went to treatment. I wanted fast, easy carb loaded food, and I wanted it in bulk. The binges were mindless and had little to do with taste or enjoyment. Now I eat more mindfully, and I work hard to make my meals flavorful and satisfying. I had to make friends with my spice rack. I also started a small herb garden. I never had much of a sweet tooth, but it still is tough to give up all sugar. I am allowed to have some artificial sweeteners, but I prefer not to use them. I eat a lot of plain Greek yogurt, and I will sweeten it with sugar free and alcohol free vanilla flavoring made by Frontier. It is expensive, and I have only ever found it at Whole Foods. For me it is worth it.

I still drink coffee. I am only supposed to have 2 8 oz cups a day, but I usually have 3 or 4. This is my the one area I do not follow meticulously. For other beverages, I mostly drink water or lemon/lime seltzer. If I got out to lunch or dinner, I may have an unsweetened iced tea or a diet coke. I use unsweetened organic soy milk in my coffee. I don’t have to use soy milk, but I prefer it. Even when I was a kid I did not like dairy milk. I cannot have juice.

Traveling can be tricky for me, and I travel a lot for my job. Once again, it all comes down to planning and preparation. I bring a food scale with me on the road. I also bring some non-perishable foods that can cover the four main areas of my food plan (protein, fat, carbs, and fruit/vegetables). Some of my go to travel foods are raw almonds, unsweetened apple sauce, and Mary’s Gone Crackers (these are made primarily of brown rice, quinoa and sesame seeds). Almonds can serve as protein or fat on my food plan, apple sauce will cover fruit, and the crackers are a carb. I do my best to eat at restaurants, and then I fill in the gaps with my emergency food as needed.

It took some time to get used to weighing my food on a scale. I was willing to do anything though, and I found that the scale was actually a comfort to me within a few weeks. I never have to worry about eating too much or too little. I never feel stuffed or deprived. I always just feel comfortable. My friends, family and colleagues are now accustomed to seeing me with my food scale. I don’t mind using it in public. I do what I have to do.

Following my food plan keeps me sane. That is the main reason why I follow it. There are some additional side effects that come along with the food plan, though. I am healthier. I have a genetic blood disorder that seems to stay under control on this plan. I have to be careful about high iron levels in my blood, but my blood work is clean now. I am also losing a lot of weight. I only weigh myself every month or so. I do not have a scale in my home. I do not know what my high weight was when I went to rehab, but I would estimate that it was around 310-315 lbs. The last time I weighed myself was around a month ago, and I think I weighed around 230. I do not own a full length mirror. I mostly notice my weight loss because my clothes just don’t fit anymore. As soon as my clothes get too big, I bag them up and give them to charity. Focusing on weight loss and my body shape or appearance is just not healthy for me. It is not why I follow my food plan, and I know I am in a dangerous place if that is the reason why I follow it.

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I posted some personal things related to my addictions on Facebook prior to starting this blog. I am copying those posts over since they really were the beginning of my journey into sharing my personal struggles. This post was written on April 16th:

Every now and then I say some really personal stuff on Facebook. Now is one of those times. I just want to share my experience, and maybe someone will find something helpful in what I have to say. I find comfort in knowing that when I share my own vulnerability, someone else may feel that it is okay to be vulnerable. This life is too short for me to waste time on putting up a front that all is well and life is easy and happy. The only real way I know how to help people is by sharing my experience.

I lost a lot of weight since I starting following the food plan from my nutritionist almost a year ago. I rarely weigh myself, so I don’t know how much, but it is a significant amount. I was a thin when I was younger, and then I gained weight in my twenties and thirties, and now I am losing that weight I put on. I do not have any weight loss goal. I just follow my food plan as instructed. The only objective here is to eat sanely and live a healthy life. Whatever happens to my body as a result is not part of my objective for eating well.

I cannot begin to tell you how differently I was treated by people when I gained weight, and now that I am losing weight, people are starting to treat me differently again. Now when strangers are nice to me in public, look me in the eye, or hold doors for me, it can be hard not to feel angry and resentful. For too many years people looked past me, looked through me or glared at me as if my appearance was a personal affront to them.

I am grateful to be living a healthier life, but it is actually quite difficult to go through drastic weight loss, and it has nothing to do with giving up overeating or certain kinds of food. There is a literally a level of insulation and protection that is lost both physically and emotionally. Even getting direct compliments about my weight loss can be difficult. People only mean well, and it is always with good intentions and positive encouragement. I had to learn just to say “thank you” and to let it be.

When you see someone who is overweight, it is easy to go with the snap judgment and to say why don’t they eat better or take care of themselves. I still find myself doing it too, and I try to catch myself when that happens. I assure you, it is not easy to be overweight, and there are many factors that make it difficult to change. I have a few friends who have stood by me with unwavering love and lack of judgment through the years, and they really amaze me. Every lesson I learn always brings me back to love and tolerance of others. And myself.

Hitting Bottom with Eating Disorders and Food Addiction

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If I had not gone through alcoholism recovery and a 12 step program, I might not ever have recognized that my problems with food were a true addiction. My body reacts to certain foods the same way my body reacts to alcohol. Once I get started, I cannot stop. The Atkins Diet helped me to recognize what foods were a problem for me. I first tried the Atkins Diet when I was still in college, and then several times after that over the next 15 years. When I eliminate sugar and flour (and alcohol) from my diet, I lose weight rapidly, even if I am eating a ridiculous amount of protein and fat. The first few times I tried it I would lose weight, get excited, and then inevitably return to drinking. Alcohol was not entirely forbidden on Atkins, but as an alcoholic, having one drink sounds like a great idea but is physically impossible.

I tried the Atkins Diet again several times after I stopped drinking. The problem for me is that the Atkins Diet only addresses one of the problems I have with food. I can eliminate the foods that my body is addicted to, but it does not address my secondary problem of compulsive overeating. A diet which allows me to eat all I want whenever I want so long as I only eat certain foods will only help my compulsion to overeat to grow. It does not matter if I can still lose weight. I am still locked into unhealthy and dangerous behavior.

So I struggled. For years. I would go for periods without sugar and flour, but I inevitably went back to it. For me, it was far more difficult than when I stopped drinking. I was in a state of baffling relapse for years. Any weight I lost during periods of abstinence was inevitably followed by even more weight gain. I just could not stop not matter how desperate the desire, or how bad the consequences were for my body and health. I was in constant pain. I could barely walk more than around 20 yards at a time. It was difficult for me to even get to my mailbox around the corner of my building without having intense, muscle cramping back pain. I had difficulty sleeping. I was quickly making my way through clothing sizes and fearing the day that I would not longer find any clothes that fit me. I weighed over 300 lbs.

One day last April I took a sick day from work, mostly because I was dangerously depressed and just could not get out to face the day. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps there were treatment centers that handled food addiction and compulsive overeating. I could not possibly be the only person going through this. Maybe there was treatment. I genuinely was ready to stop, but I was ill-equipped to do so on my own. I started to research treatment facilities online, and I found several that looked like a good fit for me. I was relieved to see that there were people in the medical profession that understood my problem. I called a friend to ask her what she thought of the idea of going away for treatment, and she was very supportive. She actually knew someone who went to one of the facilities on my list with great results. That was the push I needed.

I called the facility to inquire about their program, and was further convinced that they could help me. The next step was be to convince my family that this was what I needed. My insurance did not offer full coverage for 30 days of treatment, and I did not have enough in my savings account to cover the difference. My parents were easily convinced, and agreed to offer their financial assistance. They knew my problems ,and were desperate to help me, but never knew how. I remember telling my mother about my mind state and how desperate I was. “I don’t want to kill myself, but I want to die.” I hated telling her that, and I saw her horror and heartbreak, but I needed to get real about how emotionally devastated I was. Once again, I found myself in a place where I could not live with or without compulsive overeating and food addiction. I hit my second bottom. Three weeks later I went to an amazing facility in Florida for 30 days of treatment. I went with all the desperation that a dying woman can have. I was willing to do anything. I did what I was told to do, and I started to get better.