After reviewing my posts and some of the comments I received, I realize that there is one thing that I should  clarify.  Life is good, and I am content most of the time.  That does not mean that I do not still have struggles.  When I decided to write this blog it was to satisfy two goals.  First, it is a productive emotional outlet.  Once my head cleared, I had so much to say about my experience.  Secondly, I realized that my experience could potentially help someone else.  If my motives for posting change, I may need to reevaluate the need to have a blog on this topic.  I must be careful to not make this an ego feeding, pride serving enterprise.  I continually need to check my motives for posting everything I write.  It is a simple test that can be answered by one question:  is it selfish or not?

I am fine with recounting my past struggles and the solutions I have found for them.  It is the truth of my past experience.  Now I also need to be honest about the truth of my current experience.  I am not without worries, insecurities and other forms of fear.  When I realize they are there, I do my best to take actions towards changing them.  Some of them are more deep seeded than others.

Commitment. I’ve lived in my condo for two years before I put a single nail in the wall.  6 months later, I still cannot decide what to hang on the few nails I put in.  This does not just apply to home decor.  I struggle with commitment in most areas of my life.  Fear of commitment is everywhere, from relationships, to important life decisions.  I did finally commit to buying this condo after renting it for a year and a half.  I would like to say that I made a practical adult decision by buying it, but it was really a struggle between fear of commitment and fear of financial insecurity.  Do I give up the ability to run away at a moments notice in exchange for not having to pay a 30 year mortgage into my 70s?  Now add in the fear of commitment that will likely lead me to being a single woman in my 70’s and that I will always be paying my mortgage on my own.  The conclusion is, holy sh*t I better buy now, or I will be working forever.  So I bought my place.  Now I like to stare at the amortization calculator to see how much additional principal I can pay each month to shorten this 30 year commitment.

Relationships.  Family. Friends. Romantic.  Not good at commitment with any of these.  Here is where some of these are at today.

Family.  My parents and I have come a long way.  I was just internally patting myself on the back about this one, and then  I remembered I was not sharing the fact that I started this blog with them, or my brother because it is too personal.  That is telling.  I also adore my niece and nephew, but I still find myself reluctant and afraid to reach out to them and be really involved in their lives.   This is high on my list of priorities for this year.

Friends.  I may not have a single friend that I have served adequately.  People I love dearly, and that I carry with me all the time, are still neglected and our relationships suffered.  This is a tough one for me. Alcoholism and eating disorders really separated me from my friends.  I missed engagements, weddings, births of children, birthdays, over and over from one friend to the next.  Most of the time I missed those events I was sitting alone in my room, just unable to take a step out the door.   This produces an ache inside me that is hard to bear, but that is meaningless if I do not commit to taking action to right those wrongs.

Romantic relationships.  Nothing short of a mine field.  I rarely date anymore. I am not interested in marriage or children of my own (glaring commitment issue right there), so that suits me just fine.  I like being alone, I like having my own space.  I draw strength from being a single, successful, independent woman.  However-  I cannot pretend that my disinterest in romantic relationships isn’t connected to the fact that I become a complete insecure disaster in relationships, and I have done terrible harm to people that I love.  Insecurity and jealousy can do horrible damage to something as pure and fragile as love.

Through the inventory and amends process of the 12 steps, I’ve done my best to right the wrongs of my past.  As I wrote this post this morning, I realized a few more that should be made, and I will commit to making them.  I am willing to approach people I harmed and admit my wrongs to them.  The harder part for me is to allow the behavior to change, and avoid making the same mistakes again.  I know that I tend to avoid relationships, instead of trying to approach relationships with a new mindset and new behavior.

Physical sobriety is not enough.  My body is healing, and the clarity is returning.  The wreckage of my past must be cleared, and I need to behave differently today.  I must always be open to change.  I cannot congratulate myself on a day without hurting people if it is achieved by not leaving the house and interacting with anyone.