Why I Named My Blog Authentic and Abstinent

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My employer recently sent me to a creative blogger conference. I came away with a ton of ideas related to my job, but I also came away with the idea firmly planted in my mind that it was time for me to start a personal blog. I heard a few recurring messages from several speakers over the course of the conference. The main message I heard was that you need to blog about what you are passionate about. I have plenty of interests in many areas, but all of my interests will quickly disappear if I am not actively committed to my recovery. My personal recovery is dependent upon abstinence from alcohol, sugar, and flour. If I ingest any of these, I am bound to fall back into my addictions, and all other interests will soon be replaced by those addictions. Abstinence must be at the center of my life. When I am committed to abstinence and my recovery, the whole world is open to me.

The other message that I heard at the conference was the importance of being authentic. I need to be true to myself, to my beliefs and to my experience. When I am sharing my experience honestly, and I maintain a commitment to helping others, I hope that you will feel that my message is authentic. When I started posting about my recovery on Facebook over the last year, I received several messages back thanking me for my honesty and authenticity. That feedback drove me to keep sharing and opening up about my experience. I abandoned the idea that my shortcomings and struggles should not be shared, and that I needed to maintain a facade that all was well. I only can connect with people on a deeper level when I share my truth. I also accept that my recovery comes with an obligation to help others who suffer from alcoholism and eating disorders, and I intend for this blog to be a place where I can share my most valuable assets: my experience, strength and hope. I hope that will come through to you as you read my blog.

More on My Food Plan

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In an earlier post I outlined the structure of my food plan. I get a lot of questions about what I eat, so I figured I should give some more detail in this. The short answer is that I eat healthy flavorful food. Often. My food plan can be amazing if I am willing to put the work in and be creative. Preparation is always key. I eat six times a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner and 3 small snacks. I now eat every 2 to 3 hours. I weigh all of my food. When I was actively compulsively overeating I rarely ate in the morning, and binged in the afternoon and at night. Now I find I am never over-hungry at any given point during the day. I also make a list of everything I plan to eat in the morning. I have someone I share that list with, and I stick to what I committed to eat. If I ever decide that I want to become a vegetarian or vegan, I can do so on this food plan. There is a lot of flexibility.

The nutritionist at Milestones in Recovery in Cooper City, Florida gave me my food plan. It works for me, so I stick with it. I am trusting my nutritionist with my life. I view my food plan as a life saving prescription. There were several reasons why this chose this particular facility. The first was the level of independence they give their patients. We lived off site from the actual treatment center in an apartment complex. We were required to do our own shopping and food preparation. We also had to help each other navigate the food plan and how to shop for the type of foods we were allowed to eat. As an adult living on my own, this was essential. It would do me no good to go away for a month where someone prepared my meals for me. I desperately needed to be able to learn how to live and take care of myself. All of the patients were over 18, and everyone was there voluntarily. If you are curious about their program, please visit their website: http://www.milestonesprogram.org.

I never was much of a cook before I went to treatment. I wanted fast, easy carb loaded food, and I wanted it in bulk. The binges were mindless and had little to do with taste or enjoyment. Now I eat more mindfully, and I work hard to make my meals flavorful and satisfying. I had to make friends with my spice rack. I also started a small herb garden. I never had much of a sweet tooth, but it still is tough to give up all sugar. I am allowed to have some artificial sweeteners, but I prefer not to use them. I eat a lot of plain Greek yogurt, and I will sweeten it with sugar free and alcohol free vanilla flavoring made by Frontier. It is expensive, and I have only ever found it at Whole Foods. For me it is worth it.

I still drink coffee. I am only supposed to have 2 8 oz cups a day, but I usually have 3 or 4. This is my the one area I do not follow meticulously. For other beverages, I mostly drink water or lemon/lime seltzer. If I got out to lunch or dinner, I may have an unsweetened iced tea or a diet coke. I use unsweetened organic soy milk in my coffee. I don’t have to use soy milk, but I prefer it. Even when I was a kid I did not like dairy milk. I cannot have juice.

Traveling can be tricky for me, and I travel a lot for my job. Once again, it all comes down to planning and preparation. I bring a food scale with me on the road. I also bring some non-perishable foods that can cover the four main areas of my food plan (protein, fat, carbs, and fruit/vegetables). Some of my go to travel foods are raw almonds, unsweetened apple sauce, and Mary’s Gone Crackers (these are made primarily of brown rice, quinoa and sesame seeds). Almonds can serve as protein or fat on my food plan, apple sauce will cover fruit, and the crackers are a carb. I do my best to eat at restaurants, and then I fill in the gaps with my emergency food as needed.

It took some time to get used to weighing my food on a scale. I was willing to do anything though, and I found that the scale was actually a comfort to me within a few weeks. I never have to worry about eating too much or too little. I never feel stuffed or deprived. I always just feel comfortable. My friends, family and colleagues are now accustomed to seeing me with my food scale. I don’t mind using it in public. I do what I have to do.

Following my food plan keeps me sane. That is the main reason why I follow it. There are some additional side effects that come along with the food plan, though. I am healthier. I have a genetic blood disorder that seems to stay under control on this plan. I have to be careful about high iron levels in my blood, but my blood work is clean now. I am also losing a lot of weight. I only weigh myself every month or so. I do not have a scale in my home. I do not know what my high weight was when I went to rehab, but I would estimate that it was around 310-315 lbs. The last time I weighed myself was around a month ago, and I think I weighed around 230. I do not own a full length mirror. I mostly notice my weight loss because my clothes just don’t fit anymore. As soon as my clothes get too big, I bag them up and give them to charity. Focusing on weight loss and my body shape or appearance is just not healthy for me. It is not why I follow my food plan, and I know I am in a dangerous place if that is the reason why I follow it.

Sharing the Personal Publicly

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My first time I really shared my addiction issues publicly was a post I made on Facebook back on November 5th, 2012. It was around the anniversary of the passing of my dear friend Lisa. My love for my friend and my grief over her passing were part of what pushed me towards full recovery. I had no idea how overwhelming the response would be from my friends, family and co-workers. I was especially amazed by how many people sent me inbox messages about their own struggles or struggles of their loved ones. I am really motivated to write more about my experience after that. It became clear to me that I really was not the only person struggling, and people found relief in knowing that they were not alone. Here is that post from 11/05/12:

Most of you know that I have been sober for a long time now. I quit drinking over 8 years ago. I am now also celebrating 6 months of recovery from my hardest obstacle yet: eating disorders. I always debate whether I should share such personal information about my recovery, and I usually come to the same conclusion. Even if 99% of my Facebook friends think it is too much information to share, there is always the chance that 1% may be suffering from something similar, and they may get some hope from my experience. I am always happy to receive private messages with questions. I am just happy to be living a sane life, working, paying my bills, spending time with my dog and my family without being crushed by the constant tyranny of my addictions.

When my friend Lisa passed away a two years ago, I was left feeling guilt as well as grief. I was dying slowly every day that I was not getting help. Lisa would have given anything to have an opportunity to recover from cancer the way that I had opportunities to recover from my problems with food. I knew that treatment was available if I could just take the step and get help. My only impediments were my fear and my pride. It took another year and a half, but I finally took action last May. Part of me did for the opportunity that Lisa did not have. The other part of me did it for myself because I just was not ready to quit living yet.

Thank you to everyone who had a hand out to help. You know who you are, my angels of love and patience and kindness.

PS, 4/25/13- Lisa, you are always with me.

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I posted some personal things related to my addictions on Facebook prior to starting this blog. I am copying those posts over since they really were the beginning of my journey into sharing my personal struggles. This post was written on April 16th:

Every now and then I say some really personal stuff on Facebook. Now is one of those times. I just want to share my experience, and maybe someone will find something helpful in what I have to say. I find comfort in knowing that when I share my own vulnerability, someone else may feel that it is okay to be vulnerable. This life is too short for me to waste time on putting up a front that all is well and life is easy and happy. The only real way I know how to help people is by sharing my experience.

I lost a lot of weight since I starting following the food plan from my nutritionist almost a year ago. I rarely weigh myself, so I don’t know how much, but it is a significant amount. I was a thin when I was younger, and then I gained weight in my twenties and thirties, and now I am losing that weight I put on. I do not have any weight loss goal. I just follow my food plan as instructed. The only objective here is to eat sanely and live a healthy life. Whatever happens to my body as a result is not part of my objective for eating well.

I cannot begin to tell you how differently I was treated by people when I gained weight, and now that I am losing weight, people are starting to treat me differently again. Now when strangers are nice to me in public, look me in the eye, or hold doors for me, it can be hard not to feel angry and resentful. For too many years people looked past me, looked through me or glared at me as if my appearance was a personal affront to them.

I am grateful to be living a healthier life, but it is actually quite difficult to go through drastic weight loss, and it has nothing to do with giving up overeating or certain kinds of food. There is a literally a level of insulation and protection that is lost both physically and emotionally. Even getting direct compliments about my weight loss can be difficult. People only mean well, and it is always with good intentions and positive encouragement. I had to learn just to say “thank you” and to let it be.

When you see someone who is overweight, it is easy to go with the snap judgment and to say why don’t they eat better or take care of themselves. I still find myself doing it too, and I try to catch myself when that happens. I assure you, it is not easy to be overweight, and there are many factors that make it difficult to change. I have a few friends who have stood by me with unwavering love and lack of judgment through the years, and they really amaze me. Every lesson I learn always brings me back to love and tolerance of others. And myself.

Hitting Bottom with Eating Disorders and Food Addiction

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If I had not gone through alcoholism recovery and a 12 step program, I might not ever have recognized that my problems with food were a true addiction. My body reacts to certain foods the same way my body reacts to alcohol. Once I get started, I cannot stop. The Atkins Diet helped me to recognize what foods were a problem for me. I first tried the Atkins Diet when I was still in college, and then several times after that over the next 15 years. When I eliminate sugar and flour (and alcohol) from my diet, I lose weight rapidly, even if I am eating a ridiculous amount of protein and fat. The first few times I tried it I would lose weight, get excited, and then inevitably return to drinking. Alcohol was not entirely forbidden on Atkins, but as an alcoholic, having one drink sounds like a great idea but is physically impossible.

I tried the Atkins Diet again several times after I stopped drinking. The problem for me is that the Atkins Diet only addresses one of the problems I have with food. I can eliminate the foods that my body is addicted to, but it does not address my secondary problem of compulsive overeating. A diet which allows me to eat all I want whenever I want so long as I only eat certain foods will only help my compulsion to overeat to grow. It does not matter if I can still lose weight. I am still locked into unhealthy and dangerous behavior.

So I struggled. For years. I would go for periods without sugar and flour, but I inevitably went back to it. For me, it was far more difficult than when I stopped drinking. I was in a state of baffling relapse for years. Any weight I lost during periods of abstinence was inevitably followed by even more weight gain. I just could not stop not matter how desperate the desire, or how bad the consequences were for my body and health. I was in constant pain. I could barely walk more than around 20 yards at a time. It was difficult for me to even get to my mailbox around the corner of my building without having intense, muscle cramping back pain. I had difficulty sleeping. I was quickly making my way through clothing sizes and fearing the day that I would not longer find any clothes that fit me. I weighed over 300 lbs.

One day last April I took a sick day from work, mostly because I was dangerously depressed and just could not get out to face the day. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps there were treatment centers that handled food addiction and compulsive overeating. I could not possibly be the only person going through this. Maybe there was treatment. I genuinely was ready to stop, but I was ill-equipped to do so on my own. I started to research treatment facilities online, and I found several that looked like a good fit for me. I was relieved to see that there were people in the medical profession that understood my problem. I called a friend to ask her what she thought of the idea of going away for treatment, and she was very supportive. She actually knew someone who went to one of the facilities on my list with great results. That was the push I needed.

I called the facility to inquire about their program, and was further convinced that they could help me. The next step was be to convince my family that this was what I needed. My insurance did not offer full coverage for 30 days of treatment, and I did not have enough in my savings account to cover the difference. My parents were easily convinced, and agreed to offer their financial assistance. They knew my problems ,and were desperate to help me, but never knew how. I remember telling my mother about my mind state and how desperate I was. “I don’t want to kill myself, but I want to die.” I hated telling her that, and I saw her horror and heartbreak, but I needed to get real about how emotionally devastated I was. Once again, I found myself in a place where I could not live with or without compulsive overeating and food addiction. I hit my second bottom. Three weeks later I went to an amazing facility in Florida for 30 days of treatment. I went with all the desperation that a dying woman can have. I was willing to do anything. I did what I was told to do, and I started to get better.

Serenity Prayer

Hitting Bottom as an Alcoholic

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Hitting bottom is different for everyone. The end of my drinking was not marked by any huge catastrophes, but by a deteriorating mental state, an increasing inability to act appropriately with other people, and of course, an increasing dependence on alcohol. Furthermore, alcohol was not having the same effect on me anymore, and I never really knew what would happen when I drank. I was drinking more and more when I was alone, and people around me had no idea how bad the situation really was. I was also deeply mired in resentment and self-pity. I bemoaned my failed relationships, my inability to hold a real job, and that I was still living with my parents at 28. I was depressed, volatile, and extremely self-centered- not that I could see it at the time.

The week before I stopped drinking I was on vacation with my family in Florida. I stayed in a condo with my parents, my brother, and his then girlfriend, now his wife. No one else seemed to interpret a vacation as an excuse to drink around the clock. I vaguely remember downing drinks morning, noon, and night. By the time we would go out for dinner, I was increasingly obnoxious. One night I stole some items off the table before leaving the restaurant. Another night my father expressed his disgust with my drunken behavior at the table. My reaction was pathetic. We went back to the condo, and I sat on the couch and pulled a blanket over my head and cried. I vowed never to speak to my father again- even though I was living under his roof with no intention of moving out.

My sobriety date is February 24, 2004. It was really a day like any other. It was a Monday night several days after that trip to Florida, and I was sitting on a stool at a local bar drinking a vodka and cranberry. I was suddenly struck by an unsettling realization. I was on my second drink of the night, and I knew with absolute certainty that the feeling I had by the second drink of the evening was as good as I ever felt. Even with that knowledge, I knew that the second drink would be followed by many others, and that I was chasing a feeling that I never could attain. It was a daily exercise in futility, and I really only ever felt worse. That drink was followed by several others, a drunken drive home, and the inevitable hangover I would face in the morning.

I was always vehemently against drunk driving. In the last six months of my drinking, I could no longer stop myself from doing it. I would go out at night with every intention of just having one or two drinks, and would wind up having far more. I could no longer stop at one or two, and my good judgment was obsolete once the night would wear on. I would always awake remorseful. I also almost always had nightmares about driving drunk as well. My own principles could not stop me, and it was incredibly unnerving. My increased drunk driving and my own aversion to it definitely impacted my ultimate willingness to stop drinking.

I woke up on Tuesday, and I had no idea that I would be continually sober over the next nine years. I just didn’t drink that day. Then the next day. Once I made it a few days, I decided I would try not to for a few more. I was incredibly uncomfortable not drinking, but I kept at it. I did not receive any professional or non-professional help. After around 25 days I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I knew that I should not drink, but I just didn’t think it would be possible to stay away from drinking. I still thought about it almost every waking minute. I felt doomed to a life of boredom, isolation and anxiety. Just not drinking was simply not enough. The alcohol was removed from me, and I was out of the relentless cycle of drinking. I had no idea that I was just facing the beginning of my problems. I showed up at my first 12 step meeting once I hit this point. The realization that I could not live with or without alcohol was my real bottom.

Alcoholism and Eating Disorders

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Recovery from alcoholism and recovery from compulsive overeating and other eating disorders differ a bit. As an alcoholic, I do not drink any alcohol. Simple, but not easy. As a compulsive over-eater and food addict, I do not eat any sugar or flour of any kind. This requires some education and commitment to be constantly vigilant about what goes into my body. Furthermore, I also had a history of anorexia earlier in my life. As a result, I need to weigh and measure my food. I need to make sure that I do not eat too much or too little.

Breakfast: 2 oz of protein, 6 oz of fruit
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 oz of fruit
Lunch: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 fruit or vegetable
Dinner: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 6 oz of fruit

Other people who see the same nutritionist have different food plans. This is just the one that was given to me, and it is by no means what is right for everyone.

I am not trying to say that recovery from alcoholism is easier than recovery from eating disorders. I got sober in 2004 when I was 28 years old. It was a scary and uncomfortable time. I got actively involved in a 12 step program. I went through the 12 steps, and it took almost a year for the obsession to drink to leave me. The steps were vital for me. By the time I addressed my eating disorders last year, I needed to make some spiritual adjustments, but I already had experience with the steps and the general principles of recovery. I was able to direct my focus on my food plan without having to be convinced of the need for spiritual principles in addition to addressing my eating habits.

Today. April 22, 2013

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I was away from home traveling for work for five days, and I am happy to be back home. Home is a one bedroom condo in northern New Jersey. More importantly, home is where my dog is. When I was younger I never dreamed of a husband and children. I dreamed of a dog. Penelope is my three year old chocolate and tan miniature dachshund, and she is one of the greatest gifts of my recovery. Penelope and I moved into this little first floor condo two and a half years ago. Around nine months ago I bought the condo from my landlord. It is a small place, and it needs work, but I am fortunate to have it. Quite honestly, I never thought I would have my act together enough to own a place on my own.

I woke up to a happy wagging tail and dog kisses. Penelope helps to keep me on schedule. I wake up routinely just after 7:00 am every morning. Penelope seems to know to wake me a minute or so before the alarm clock rings. Waking up at a set time, even on days off is an important for me for several reasons. As an active alcoholic, I kept to no particular pattern, and often overslept to fight off the hangover I was frightened to face. I stayed out late, slept late, and napped often. I did what I wanted when I wanted. When I was actively compulsively overeating, I would typically wake up late because I was always tired, especially from sugar and carb crashes. I would wake late and rush out the door, almost always skipping breakfast. In recovery, I wake up on time, take Penelope out to do her business, and make breakfast. I eat breakfast every day, and I stick to the food plan given to me by my nutritionist. I also use this time to plan my meals for the rest of the day. I always pack meals to take with me when I am going out. I eat every 2-3 hours, so this definitely takes organization and forethought.

I also use this time to reflect on the day ahead of me. I look at my schedule and see what needs to be accomplished. Preparation and planning are important in all areas of my life, and not just planning my meals. My addictions love chaos and disorder, so I do what I can to avoid disorganization and poor planning. I fought structure and organization for years, and now I see them as part of a peaceful life.

I took off from work today, so most of the tasks on my list were household chores. My priority for the day was lots of cuddling with Penelope. Mission accomplished.

Welcome

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Welcome to my blog. I just got home from SNAP!, a creative blogger conference in Salt Lake City. I was not attending as a blogger. I went to the conference to scope out a potential sponsorship opportunity at the event for my employer. I attended several of the education sessions while I was there, and I walked away inspired. The conference attendees were women, and all of them were creative bloggers of some kind, from craft blogs to baking blogs to home decor blogs. Those topics had some interest to me, but I would never have enough passion for those activities to blog about them. Several of the presenters emphasized passion and authenticity as being at the heart of their blogs. While I was on the flight home from Salt Lake City back to northern New Jersey, I began a list of what I am passionate about, and everything on the list centered around my recovery from alcoholism and eating disorders. My commitment to my recovery guides all my choices in life. I would love to share my journey with you.