Category Archives: Recovery

Bloggers Block

I have not posted in the last few months, but not because I have not had anything to say. There is a lot going on in my life of real significance, but I have not felt that I could openly share about what is happening because of how it involves other people in my life. I am trying to be completely honest and forthright on this blog, but I am trying to leave the privacy of others intact.

First, my mother had some issues with her health, but she is now doing much better. She does not like to discuss any of it publicly, so I will just leave it at that. She is entitled to determine how much of her life she wants to share.

I also had some serious issues at work. I came very close to losing my job a few months ago, and this took quite a toll on me. I have co-workers who read my blog, so I’ve been avoiding discussing anything related to my job here.

I have also had some relationship issues, and I kept that private in order to protect the privacy of the guy I was seeing. We did split up, and it was messy for a while. He is a good person though, and we are making progress at keeping our friendship alive.

Between my mom, my job, and the end of my relationship, its been tough. The fog of depression and stress was rough for a while, but I feel like I am coming through to the other side. I am working on how to write about what I’ve been going through while protecting the privacy of others, and it just isn’t easy. I guess what I can address is how I cope.

When the going gets tough, what I need most is to have a solid routine in place. I think I made it through the last few months sober and with my abstinence intact by having a strong routine. One important lesson that I learned in rehab is that there are things that I must do no matter how I feel. It was important for me to apply this lesson to keep my routine going, even though I often did not have the motivation. The director of the rehab broke things down into a simple acronym that I often refer to: SERF

Spirituality
Exercise
Rest
Food Plan

If I keep all of these in check, I am able to get through anything. There was one Saturday that I was feeling especially down and depressed. I woke up in tears, and I was stressed out upon awakening. That is a really bad sign for me. I knew that I had to make some special efforts to keep the situation from spiraling out of control. I got up even though I wanted to stay in bed. I cleaned my house. I went for a hike with my dog. I smiled and said hello to people even though I would have preferred to avoid eye contact. I did my errands that needed to be done. I stuck to my food plan. I refused to feed my depression by staying in bed and sleeping. I refused to overeat in attempt to comfort myself. I stick to my routine. I do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel about it.

Having suffered from depression for most of my life, I also know that it does eventually pass. I constantly remind myself, on good and bad days, that this too shall pass. If I remind myself regularly of this basic fact, it comes to me more easily when I most need to remember it. I also spoke up and let people around me know that I was going through a difficult period, and they also reminded me that it would pass in time. They reminded me of my resilience and strength, and that I did not have to suffer alone.

Estimable Acts

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Early sobriety is tough. I did not expect that when I stopped drinking I would suddenly start to feel life with a new intensity. I thought quitting drinking just meant that I would be more bored than usual and that I might need a new hobby. Once I realized that I really wanted permanent sobriety, I knew that I was going to have to find some new ways to cope with everything I was feeling. I committed to going through the 12 steps, and I allowed myself to be guided by others with more experience in sobriety. My mind was clear enough for me to realize that I had nothing to lose.

I stopped drinking when I was 28. I was single, I worked part-time, and I was back living with my parents. When the reality of my situation really hit me, my self-esteem was really low. I felt a new level of inferiority that I had not experienced before. I felt like a failure. I was scared of the world, and scared of growing up. I feared that I would never be independent. Sobriety did not feel like a gift. It was more like losing what was most important to me.

It took every bit of faith and hope I had to go forward with the 12 steps. As I went through the steps, I had to face some tough realities about who I was and what drove my decision making-mainly fear. I began to realize that my problems were of my own making. These realizations coupled with my already low level of self-esteem were incredibly uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable made me want to change, but I had no idea how to change. How could I start feeling better about myself?

One day I heard the answer I was looking for at a 12 step meeting. It may have been said a thousand times before and a thousand times since, but it was a novel idea when I heard it.
The only way to build self-esteem is to do estimable acts. That idea made sense to me. If it needed to be built, it would require constructive action on my part. But what exactly was an estimable act?

It seemed complicated, but it was actually simple. I needed to start doing things for other people. I started small. I offered people rides to and from meetings. I became more helpful around the house. I made an effort to talk to other newcomers even though I was still painfully shy. I had to start somewhere. Even these small acts helped. The busier I was, the less time I spent thinking about myself and my own misery.

As time passed, I did more. I volunteered to drive some women from a half way house to meetings on a weekly basis. I began monthly commitments to bring meetings at a rehab and a detox facility. If there was an opportunity to help, I jumped on it. I started to meet other people who were equally devoted to volunteering their time and effort. I was always under the impression that all helpful people were just naturally inclined to be helpful. Once I began talking to these people I realized that they were more like me than I thought. We were all just doing what we needed to do for our sobriety and to create some change in our lives.

After a year of sobriety, I began to build a healthy level of confidence. I did have to watch to make sure that my motives were right when I volunteered my time. Was it an opportunity to be helpful or an opportunity for people to praise me and think I was wonderful. I fell short on that more than once. The ultimate result was that when I chose to do something that just fed my ego, the end result was that I felt worse instead of better. Helping people is great, but my motives have to be right. The key is to be helpful without having expectations about what you will receive in return. Going through the rest of the 12 steps helped me to be more mindful of my motives.

Within a year and a half I moved out of my parents house, and I got a full time job. It was terrifying and fulfilling all at once. It was my first time living on my own and totally supporting myself. I was lonely and scared one minute, then blissfully marveling at my new independence the next. It took me a while to even out emotionally once again, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I showed up for work. I showed up for my volunteer commitments. I showed up for my family. I paid my bills. It was long way for me to come in a year and a half. The change in my self-esteem was not just due to my ability to take care of myself independently. Something else shifted during that time, and it was a more subtle change. I stopped measuring myself by imaginary standards and appearances. I became grateful with what I had instead of envious of what I lacked.

Creativity and Recovery

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Back when I was drinking I used to write a lot of poetry- mostly bad poetry on paper bar place mats that was illegible the following day. I don’t think I could even bear to look at any of it today. I know it was full of self-pity and resentment. I would go to bars by myself, sit and drink scotch, and write. It was a pathetic scene. Maybe the poetry provided some form of release, but it was really not a constructive form of creativity.

Once I got sober my head was a mess. I could barely think straight. When was drinking I could allow myself to wallow in self-pity and reminisce about lost love and other resentments, but I couldn’t stand to once I got sober. I no longer had alcohol to aid me in dulling the feeling. I had to turn my energy elsewhere. I decided to try painting.

I was working part-time in early recovery, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I stocked up on art supplies, and I began to paint. My painting may even be worse than my poetry, but this time it was a constructive form of creativity. At first I painted flowers, and I just enjoyed playing with the colors and texture of the paint. It was a simple pleasure. As I grew stronger in sobriety, I began to paint more personally. I started going after my deeper demons, and I painted some painful scenes from my childhood and teen years.

Next I started doing some mixed media scrapbooks. I made one for high school and one for college. These were filled with photographs, letters, cards, and other memorabilia from those periods of my life. Most of the pages were also hand painted and decorated with other mixed media materials. I went through my life year by year and reconstructed my memories page by page. It helped me to remember some positive memories. As I read the cards and letters from my old friends, I began to see the love they had for me. There were poems, get well cards, love letters, and more. As I decorated each page around these items, each brushstroke contained a bit of my love for the person who had sent it to me.

These days I move in and out of creative periods, and I am always looking for a new medium. I happen to work for a company in the creative industry. We are allowed to decorate as we please, and my cubicle is filled with my own DIY decor and artwork. I also bought my condo last year, and I my creative efforts there are also of the DIY variety. This blog is also a creative effort. It is not creative writing, as in producing fiction, but writing for the purpose of self-expression and having a productive outlet for my soul.