Category Archives: Eating Disorders

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I have not posted in the last few months, but not because I have not had anything to say. There is a lot going on in my life of real significance, but I have not felt that I could openly share about what is happening because of how it involves other people in my life. I am trying to be completely honest and forthright on this blog, but I am trying to leave the privacy of others intact.

First, my mother had some issues with her health, but she is now doing much better. She does not like to discuss any of it publicly, so I will just leave it at that. She is entitled to determine how much of her life she wants to share.

I also had some serious issues at work. I came very close to losing my job a few months ago, and this took quite a toll on me. I have co-workers who read my blog, so I’ve been avoiding discussing anything related to my job here.

I have also had some relationship issues, and I kept that private in order to protect the privacy of the guy I was seeing. We did split up, and it was messy for a while. He is a good person though, and we are making progress at keeping our friendship alive.

Between my mom, my job, and the end of my relationship, its been tough. The fog of depression and stress was rough for a while, but I feel like I am coming through to the other side. I am working on how to write about what I’ve been going through while protecting the privacy of others, and it just isn’t easy. I guess what I can address is how I cope.

When the going gets tough, what I need most is to have a solid routine in place. I think I made it through the last few months sober and with my abstinence intact by having a strong routine. One important lesson that I learned in rehab is that there are things that I must do no matter how I feel. It was important for me to apply this lesson to keep my routine going, even though I often did not have the motivation. The director of the rehab broke things down into a simple acronym that I often refer to: SERF

Spirituality
Exercise
Rest
Food Plan

If I keep all of these in check, I am able to get through anything. There was one Saturday that I was feeling especially down and depressed. I woke up in tears, and I was stressed out upon awakening. That is a really bad sign for me. I knew that I had to make some special efforts to keep the situation from spiraling out of control. I got up even though I wanted to stay in bed. I cleaned my house. I went for a hike with my dog. I smiled and said hello to people even though I would have preferred to avoid eye contact. I did my errands that needed to be done. I stuck to my food plan. I refused to feed my depression by staying in bed and sleeping. I refused to overeat in attempt to comfort myself. I stick to my routine. I do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel about it.

Having suffered from depression for most of my life, I also know that it does eventually pass. I constantly remind myself, on good and bad days, that this too shall pass. If I remind myself regularly of this basic fact, it comes to me more easily when I most need to remember it. I also spoke up and let people around me know that I was going through a difficult period, and they also reminded me that it would pass in time. They reminded me of my resilience and strength, and that I did not have to suffer alone.

Creativity and Recovery

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Back when I was drinking I used to write a lot of poetry- mostly bad poetry on paper bar place mats that was illegible the following day. I don’t think I could even bear to look at any of it today. I know it was full of self-pity and resentment. I would go to bars by myself, sit and drink scotch, and write. It was a pathetic scene. Maybe the poetry provided some form of release, but it was really not a constructive form of creativity.

Once I got sober my head was a mess. I could barely think straight. When was drinking I could allow myself to wallow in self-pity and reminisce about lost love and other resentments, but I couldn’t stand to once I got sober. I no longer had alcohol to aid me in dulling the feeling. I had to turn my energy elsewhere. I decided to try painting.

I was working part-time in early recovery, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I stocked up on art supplies, and I began to paint. My painting may even be worse than my poetry, but this time it was a constructive form of creativity. At first I painted flowers, and I just enjoyed playing with the colors and texture of the paint. It was a simple pleasure. As I grew stronger in sobriety, I began to paint more personally. I started going after my deeper demons, and I painted some painful scenes from my childhood and teen years.

Next I started doing some mixed media scrapbooks. I made one for high school and one for college. These were filled with photographs, letters, cards, and other memorabilia from those periods of my life. Most of the pages were also hand painted and decorated with other mixed media materials. I went through my life year by year and reconstructed my memories page by page. It helped me to remember some positive memories. As I read the cards and letters from my old friends, I began to see the love they had for me. There were poems, get well cards, love letters, and more. As I decorated each page around these items, each brushstroke contained a bit of my love for the person who had sent it to me.

These days I move in and out of creative periods, and I am always looking for a new medium. I happen to work for a company in the creative industry. We are allowed to decorate as we please, and my cubicle is filled with my own DIY decor and artwork. I also bought my condo last year, and I my creative efforts there are also of the DIY variety. This blog is also a creative effort. It is not creative writing, as in producing fiction, but writing for the purpose of self-expression and having a productive outlet for my soul.

My Struggles Now

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After reviewing my posts and some of the comments I received, I realize that there is one thing that I should clarify. Life is good, and I am content most of the time. That does not mean that I do not still have struggles. When I decided to write this blog it was to satisfy two goals. First, it is a productive emotional outlet. Once my head cleared, I had so much to say about my experience. Secondly, I realized that my experience could potentially help someone else. If my motives for posting change, I may need to reevaluate the need to have a blog on this topic. I must be careful to not make this an ego feeding, pride serving enterprise. I continually need to check my motives for posting everything I write. It is a simple test that can be answered by one question: is it selfish or not?

I am fine with recounting my past struggles and the solutions I have found for them. It is the truth of my past experience. Now I also need to be honest about the truth of my current experience. I am not without worries, insecurities and other forms of fear. When I realize they are there, I do my best to take actions towards changing them. Some of them are more deep seeded than others.

Commitment. I’ve lived in my condo for two years before I put a single nail in the wall. 6 months later, I still cannot decide what to hang on the few nails I put in. This does not just apply to home decor. I struggle with commitment in most areas of my life. Fear of commitment is everywhere, from relationships, to important life decisions. I did finally commit to buying this condo after renting it for a year and a half. I would like to say that I made a practical adult decision by buying it, but it was really a struggle between fear of commitment and fear of financial insecurity. Do I give up the ability to run away at a moments notice in exchange for not having to pay a 30 year mortgage into my 70s? Now add in the fear of commitment that will likely lead me to being a single woman in my 70’s and that I will always be paying my mortgage on my own. The conclusion is, holy sh*t I better buy now, or I will be working forever. So I bought my place. Now I like to stare at the amortization calculator to see how much additional principal I can pay each month to shorten this 30 year commitment.

Relationships. Family. Friends. Romantic. Not good at commitment with any of these. Here is where some of these are at today.

Family. My parents and I have come a long way. I was just internally patting myself on the back about this one, and then I remembered I was not sharing the fact that I started this blog with them, or my brother because it is too personal. That is telling. I also adore my niece and nephew, but I still find myself reluctant and afraid to reach out to them and be really involved in their lives. This is high on my list of priorities for this year.

Friends. I may not have a single friend that I have served adequately. People I love dearly, and that I carry with me all the time, are still neglected and our relationships suffered. This is a tough one for me. Alcoholism and eating disorders really separated me from my friends. I missed engagements, weddings, births of children, birthdays, over and over from one friend to the next. Most of the time I missed those events I was sitting alone in my room, just unable to take a step out the door. This produces an ache inside me that is hard to bear, but that is meaningless if I do not commit to taking action to right those wrongs.

Romantic relationships. Nothing short of a mine field. I rarely date anymore. I am not interested in marriage or children of my own (glaring commitment issue right there), so that suits me just fine. I like being alone, I like having my own space. I draw strength from being a single, successful, independent woman. However- I cannot pretend that my disinterest in romantic relationships isn’t connected to the fact that I become a complete insecure disaster in relationships, and I have done terrible harm to people that I love. Insecurity and jealousy can do horrible damage to something as pure and fragile as love.

Through the inventory and amends process of the 12 steps, I’ve done my best to right the wrongs of my past. As I wrote this post this morning, I realized a few more that should be made, and I will commit to making them. I am willing to approach people I harmed and admit my wrongs to them. The harder part for me is to allow the behavior to change, and avoid making the same mistakes again. I know that I tend to avoid relationships, instead of trying to approach relationships with a new mindset and new behavior.

Physical sobriety is not enough. My body is healing, and the clarity is returning. The wreckage of my past must be cleared, and I need to behave differently today. I must always be open to change. I cannot congratulate myself on a day without hurting people if it is achieved by not leaving the house and interacting with anyone.

My Inspiration, Lisa

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It is still hard to talk about Lisa, but there is so much to say. Worst of all, there is so much I never said to her.

Lisa and I met when were in the same 3rd grade class. We played soccer together on a rec team, and then on a traveling team and our high school team together for 10 years. Our parents were friends. Both of us did not have extended family in or near New Jersey, so we spent our holidays together. I had more Thanksgivings and Christmases with Lisa than with any of my cousins or other family. We took family vacations together. We traveled for soccer tournaments together. We went to the beach, we went skiing, and we went all around the country. Lisa was more than my friend, she was family.

Lisa was funny, beautiful and charismatic. She had great athletic talent, and was a far superior soccer player than I ever was. I loved being her teammate and watching her play. I looked up to Lisa. She was prettier, she was better on the soccer field, and she had an ease around people that I did not have. Being around her built me up. Most of the time I just felt lucky that she wanted to hang out with me.

Some times we were close, and we did everything together. Sometimes we did our own thing with other friends for months at a time. It was never an issue and we never fought about it. By high school, we were both a handful. We were wild troublemakers with great skill at manipulating parents and getting our way. I will spare you the details of our capers. I hate to share the gorier details of our crazy teenage escapades without her consent. The summer I turned sixteen we were inseparable, and we had a blast. We had fun, we were lucky, and we walked away from it relatively unscathed at the time. She did not get mad at me when I put a cigarette burn on the backseat of her new car on her 17th birthday. Or when I broke her driver side window on the same car on an icy nite in a hotel parking lot at 2:00 in the morning 4 years later. When stuff like that happened, Lisa would just laugh. She had the greatest laugh, a loud laugh that she let out with complete abandon. Often.

When college came, we grew apart, and when I did see her, there was a lot of drama happening. Both of us were starting to have the kinds of consequences for our behavior that we did not have in high school. I remember going to pick her up at school in Rhode Island with her mother for Thanksgiving break our freshman year, and realizing that we were growing in different directions. Over the next several years, we spent less time together. One summer night during our college years there was a horrible incident and our friendship never recovered. I know this is vague, but I cannot share detail on what happened since it would really be Lisa’s story to tell. Nothing happened between us personally, but it was just a turning point. I only saw her a few times after that. Once at our high school reunion, once when at her bridal shower, once at her wedding, and maybe once or twice at a bar. It never was the same again.

When Lisa was diagnosed with cancer, I was going through my own struggles with eating disorders. She was in Ohio, I was in New Jersey. We had not talked in several years. She was married with 3 kids, and I was single and living with my parents. I was so emotionally beaten down that I just did not have the strength to reach out to her. I desperately wanted to, but I was so broken, and I was practically a hermit. I had separated from almost all of my friends, and I could not open up to anyone. I was psychologically ill, and Lisa had terminal cancer. I just did not have the strength to bridge the gap between us and lend her any real support.

Lisa started an account on caringbridge.org to document her fight against cancer. I read it religiously, and anxiously awaited every post and update. It was my way to stay a part of what was happening. I was able to post a few words of encouragement, but they were public posts and not a personal note. I only saw her once during the 3 years after her diagnosis, and I almost let the opportunity get away from me. Lisa came to NYC to do the Revlon Walk for women’s cancers, and a whole team of New Jersey friends and family showed up to walk with her and support her. I did not. Later in the day I finally plucked up the courage to stop by the after party at a friends house. I hugged her and said hello, and we chatted briefly. I was uncomfortable being around so many people, and I didn’t stay long. That was the last time I saw or talked to Lisa.

Lisa fought cancer valiantly. She endured over 60 rounds of chemo, and amazed us all with her positive attitude and willingness to fight. In the depths of my darkness, I was in awe of her strength. Caringbridge.org was incredibly helpful to many of us who were geographically or otherwise separated. We were able to follow what was happening with her, and her posts were so infused with her spirit. I know I was not alone in drawing hope from her posts. Many of us were inspired by her fight, and were often convinced she might just be able to beat the unbeatable.

In the midst of my chaos, depression, and issues with food, and faced with my own declining health, I was haunted by a sobering fact. As difficult as the idea of recovery from my eating disorders and depression seemed, they were entirely possible. I had already recovered from alcoholism, and I knew change was possible. Then I thought of Lisa. Lisa was dying. Lisa probably would have given her arms and legs to have the chance to get better that I had. My inability to face up to my problems seemed an insult to her. She fought so hard, and endured much worse than I would have to endure. Every day that I let an opportunity to recover go by, I felt more guilt. During what would be the last few months of Lisa’s life, I began to make changes in my own. I stopped my intake of sugar and flour after a back injury that was compounded by my obesity. I decided to make changes because of the injury, and also because of Lisa.

One day I noticed that Lisa’s posts on caringbridge.org stopped. For the last 6 months of her life, Lisa did not post again. We knew without her telling us that the time had come for her to withdraw to her family and to come to terms with her declining health with her closest loved ones at her side. By then, her mother was also suffering from cancer. Lisa passed away in November, and her mother passed away a month later.

I made it without sugar and flour for around 11 months, but I was not doing anything to weigh or measure my food or to be otherwise nutritionally responsible. It was the best I could do at the time. I relapsed horribly, and suffered worse than I ever had before. I could not even stay away from sugar or flour for a day, and I knew that I would need outside help to ever have any kind of recovery again. Fortunately, I did get help. I went to rehab a year ago today, and I am now celebrating a year of recovery.

I am still here. Lisa is not. She left a husband and children behind. I love to see pictures of her children. I see her blue eyes set in her older daughter’s face, her nose on her son, her mischievous smile on her youngest daughter. Parts of Lisa are living on. I get to carry the fire of her spirit in my heart. Lisa, I hope some way you can see me now and can hear the words I wanted to speak to you and never could.

Why I Named My Blog Authentic and Abstinent

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My employer recently sent me to a creative blogger conference. I came away with a ton of ideas related to my job, but I also came away with the idea firmly planted in my mind that it was time for me to start a personal blog. I heard a few recurring messages from several speakers over the course of the conference. The main message I heard was that you need to blog about what you are passionate about. I have plenty of interests in many areas, but all of my interests will quickly disappear if I am not actively committed to my recovery. My personal recovery is dependent upon abstinence from alcohol, sugar, and flour. If I ingest any of these, I am bound to fall back into my addictions, and all other interests will soon be replaced by those addictions. Abstinence must be at the center of my life. When I am committed to abstinence and my recovery, the whole world is open to me.

The other message that I heard at the conference was the importance of being authentic. I need to be true to myself, to my beliefs and to my experience. When I am sharing my experience honestly, and I maintain a commitment to helping others, I hope that you will feel that my message is authentic. When I started posting about my recovery on Facebook over the last year, I received several messages back thanking me for my honesty and authenticity. That feedback drove me to keep sharing and opening up about my experience. I abandoned the idea that my shortcomings and struggles should not be shared, and that I needed to maintain a facade that all was well. I only can connect with people on a deeper level when I share my truth. I also accept that my recovery comes with an obligation to help others who suffer from alcoholism and eating disorders, and I intend for this blog to be a place where I can share my most valuable assets: my experience, strength and hope. I hope that will come through to you as you read my blog.

More on My Food Plan

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In an earlier post I outlined the structure of my food plan. I get a lot of questions about what I eat, so I figured I should give some more detail in this. The short answer is that I eat healthy flavorful food. Often. My food plan can be amazing if I am willing to put the work in and be creative. Preparation is always key. I eat six times a day: breakfast, lunch, dinner and 3 small snacks. I now eat every 2 to 3 hours. I weigh all of my food. When I was actively compulsively overeating I rarely ate in the morning, and binged in the afternoon and at night. Now I find I am never over-hungry at any given point during the day. I also make a list of everything I plan to eat in the morning. I have someone I share that list with, and I stick to what I committed to eat. If I ever decide that I want to become a vegetarian or vegan, I can do so on this food plan. There is a lot of flexibility.

The nutritionist at Milestones in Recovery in Cooper City, Florida gave me my food plan. It works for me, so I stick with it. I am trusting my nutritionist with my life. I view my food plan as a life saving prescription. There were several reasons why this chose this particular facility. The first was the level of independence they give their patients. We lived off site from the actual treatment center in an apartment complex. We were required to do our own shopping and food preparation. We also had to help each other navigate the food plan and how to shop for the type of foods we were allowed to eat. As an adult living on my own, this was essential. It would do me no good to go away for a month where someone prepared my meals for me. I desperately needed to be able to learn how to live and take care of myself. All of the patients were over 18, and everyone was there voluntarily. If you are curious about their program, please visit their website: http://www.milestonesprogram.org.

I never was much of a cook before I went to treatment. I wanted fast, easy carb loaded food, and I wanted it in bulk. The binges were mindless and had little to do with taste or enjoyment. Now I eat more mindfully, and I work hard to make my meals flavorful and satisfying. I had to make friends with my spice rack. I also started a small herb garden. I never had much of a sweet tooth, but it still is tough to give up all sugar. I am allowed to have some artificial sweeteners, but I prefer not to use them. I eat a lot of plain Greek yogurt, and I will sweeten it with sugar free and alcohol free vanilla flavoring made by Frontier. It is expensive, and I have only ever found it at Whole Foods. For me it is worth it.

I still drink coffee. I am only supposed to have 2 8 oz cups a day, but I usually have 3 or 4. This is my the one area I do not follow meticulously. For other beverages, I mostly drink water or lemon/lime seltzer. If I got out to lunch or dinner, I may have an unsweetened iced tea or a diet coke. I use unsweetened organic soy milk in my coffee. I don’t have to use soy milk, but I prefer it. Even when I was a kid I did not like dairy milk. I cannot have juice.

Traveling can be tricky for me, and I travel a lot for my job. Once again, it all comes down to planning and preparation. I bring a food scale with me on the road. I also bring some non-perishable foods that can cover the four main areas of my food plan (protein, fat, carbs, and fruit/vegetables). Some of my go to travel foods are raw almonds, unsweetened apple sauce, and Mary’s Gone Crackers (these are made primarily of brown rice, quinoa and sesame seeds). Almonds can serve as protein or fat on my food plan, apple sauce will cover fruit, and the crackers are a carb. I do my best to eat at restaurants, and then I fill in the gaps with my emergency food as needed.

It took some time to get used to weighing my food on a scale. I was willing to do anything though, and I found that the scale was actually a comfort to me within a few weeks. I never have to worry about eating too much or too little. I never feel stuffed or deprived. I always just feel comfortable. My friends, family and colleagues are now accustomed to seeing me with my food scale. I don’t mind using it in public. I do what I have to do.

Following my food plan keeps me sane. That is the main reason why I follow it. There are some additional side effects that come along with the food plan, though. I am healthier. I have a genetic blood disorder that seems to stay under control on this plan. I have to be careful about high iron levels in my blood, but my blood work is clean now. I am also losing a lot of weight. I only weigh myself every month or so. I do not have a scale in my home. I do not know what my high weight was when I went to rehab, but I would estimate that it was around 310-315 lbs. The last time I weighed myself was around a month ago, and I think I weighed around 230. I do not own a full length mirror. I mostly notice my weight loss because my clothes just don’t fit anymore. As soon as my clothes get too big, I bag them up and give them to charity. Focusing on weight loss and my body shape or appearance is just not healthy for me. It is not why I follow my food plan, and I know I am in a dangerous place if that is the reason why I follow it.

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I posted some personal things related to my addictions on Facebook prior to starting this blog. I am copying those posts over since they really were the beginning of my journey into sharing my personal struggles. This post was written on April 16th:

Every now and then I say some really personal stuff on Facebook. Now is one of those times. I just want to share my experience, and maybe someone will find something helpful in what I have to say. I find comfort in knowing that when I share my own vulnerability, someone else may feel that it is okay to be vulnerable. This life is too short for me to waste time on putting up a front that all is well and life is easy and happy. The only real way I know how to help people is by sharing my experience.

I lost a lot of weight since I starting following the food plan from my nutritionist almost a year ago. I rarely weigh myself, so I don’t know how much, but it is a significant amount. I was a thin when I was younger, and then I gained weight in my twenties and thirties, and now I am losing that weight I put on. I do not have any weight loss goal. I just follow my food plan as instructed. The only objective here is to eat sanely and live a healthy life. Whatever happens to my body as a result is not part of my objective for eating well.

I cannot begin to tell you how differently I was treated by people when I gained weight, and now that I am losing weight, people are starting to treat me differently again. Now when strangers are nice to me in public, look me in the eye, or hold doors for me, it can be hard not to feel angry and resentful. For too many years people looked past me, looked through me or glared at me as if my appearance was a personal affront to them.

I am grateful to be living a healthier life, but it is actually quite difficult to go through drastic weight loss, and it has nothing to do with giving up overeating or certain kinds of food. There is a literally a level of insulation and protection that is lost both physically and emotionally. Even getting direct compliments about my weight loss can be difficult. People only mean well, and it is always with good intentions and positive encouragement. I had to learn just to say “thank you” and to let it be.

When you see someone who is overweight, it is easy to go with the snap judgment and to say why don’t they eat better or take care of themselves. I still find myself doing it too, and I try to catch myself when that happens. I assure you, it is not easy to be overweight, and there are many factors that make it difficult to change. I have a few friends who have stood by me with unwavering love and lack of judgment through the years, and they really amaze me. Every lesson I learn always brings me back to love and tolerance of others. And myself.

Hitting Bottom with Eating Disorders and Food Addiction

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If I had not gone through alcoholism recovery and a 12 step program, I might not ever have recognized that my problems with food were a true addiction. My body reacts to certain foods the same way my body reacts to alcohol. Once I get started, I cannot stop. The Atkins Diet helped me to recognize what foods were a problem for me. I first tried the Atkins Diet when I was still in college, and then several times after that over the next 15 years. When I eliminate sugar and flour (and alcohol) from my diet, I lose weight rapidly, even if I am eating a ridiculous amount of protein and fat. The first few times I tried it I would lose weight, get excited, and then inevitably return to drinking. Alcohol was not entirely forbidden on Atkins, but as an alcoholic, having one drink sounds like a great idea but is physically impossible.

I tried the Atkins Diet again several times after I stopped drinking. The problem for me is that the Atkins Diet only addresses one of the problems I have with food. I can eliminate the foods that my body is addicted to, but it does not address my secondary problem of compulsive overeating. A diet which allows me to eat all I want whenever I want so long as I only eat certain foods will only help my compulsion to overeat to grow. It does not matter if I can still lose weight. I am still locked into unhealthy and dangerous behavior.

So I struggled. For years. I would go for periods without sugar and flour, but I inevitably went back to it. For me, it was far more difficult than when I stopped drinking. I was in a state of baffling relapse for years. Any weight I lost during periods of abstinence was inevitably followed by even more weight gain. I just could not stop not matter how desperate the desire, or how bad the consequences were for my body and health. I was in constant pain. I could barely walk more than around 20 yards at a time. It was difficult for me to even get to my mailbox around the corner of my building without having intense, muscle cramping back pain. I had difficulty sleeping. I was quickly making my way through clothing sizes and fearing the day that I would not longer find any clothes that fit me. I weighed over 300 lbs.

One day last April I took a sick day from work, mostly because I was dangerously depressed and just could not get out to face the day. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps there were treatment centers that handled food addiction and compulsive overeating. I could not possibly be the only person going through this. Maybe there was treatment. I genuinely was ready to stop, but I was ill-equipped to do so on my own. I started to research treatment facilities online, and I found several that looked like a good fit for me. I was relieved to see that there were people in the medical profession that understood my problem. I called a friend to ask her what she thought of the idea of going away for treatment, and she was very supportive. She actually knew someone who went to one of the facilities on my list with great results. That was the push I needed.

I called the facility to inquire about their program, and was further convinced that they could help me. The next step was be to convince my family that this was what I needed. My insurance did not offer full coverage for 30 days of treatment, and I did not have enough in my savings account to cover the difference. My parents were easily convinced, and agreed to offer their financial assistance. They knew my problems ,and were desperate to help me, but never knew how. I remember telling my mother about my mind state and how desperate I was. “I don’t want to kill myself, but I want to die.” I hated telling her that, and I saw her horror and heartbreak, but I needed to get real about how emotionally devastated I was. Once again, I found myself in a place where I could not live with or without compulsive overeating and food addiction. I hit my second bottom. Three weeks later I went to an amazing facility in Florida for 30 days of treatment. I went with all the desperation that a dying woman can have. I was willing to do anything. I did what I was told to do, and I started to get better.

Alcoholism and Eating Disorders

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Recovery from alcoholism and recovery from compulsive overeating and other eating disorders differ a bit. As an alcoholic, I do not drink any alcohol. Simple, but not easy. As a compulsive over-eater and food addict, I do not eat any sugar or flour of any kind. This requires some education and commitment to be constantly vigilant about what goes into my body. Furthermore, I also had a history of anorexia earlier in my life. As a result, I need to weigh and measure my food. I need to make sure that I do not eat too much or too little.

Breakfast: 2 oz of protein, 6 oz of fruit
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 oz of fruit
Lunch: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 fruit or vegetable
Dinner: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 6 oz of fruit

Other people who see the same nutritionist have different food plans. This is just the one that was given to me, and it is by no means what is right for everyone.

I am not trying to say that recovery from alcoholism is easier than recovery from eating disorders. I got sober in 2004 when I was 28 years old. It was a scary and uncomfortable time. I got actively involved in a 12 step program. I went through the 12 steps, and it took almost a year for the obsession to drink to leave me. The steps were vital for me. By the time I addressed my eating disorders last year, I needed to make some spiritual adjustments, but I already had experience with the steps and the general principles of recovery. I was able to direct my focus on my food plan without having to be convinced of the need for spiritual principles in addition to addressing my eating habits.

Today. April 22, 2013

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I was away from home traveling for work for five days, and I am happy to be back home. Home is a one bedroom condo in northern New Jersey. More importantly, home is where my dog is. When I was younger I never dreamed of a husband and children. I dreamed of a dog. Penelope is my three year old chocolate and tan miniature dachshund, and she is one of the greatest gifts of my recovery. Penelope and I moved into this little first floor condo two and a half years ago. Around nine months ago I bought the condo from my landlord. It is a small place, and it needs work, but I am fortunate to have it. Quite honestly, I never thought I would have my act together enough to own a place on my own.

I woke up to a happy wagging tail and dog kisses. Penelope helps to keep me on schedule. I wake up routinely just after 7:00 am every morning. Penelope seems to know to wake me a minute or so before the alarm clock rings. Waking up at a set time, even on days off is an important for me for several reasons. As an active alcoholic, I kept to no particular pattern, and often overslept to fight off the hangover I was frightened to face. I stayed out late, slept late, and napped often. I did what I wanted when I wanted. When I was actively compulsively overeating, I would typically wake up late because I was always tired, especially from sugar and carb crashes. I would wake late and rush out the door, almost always skipping breakfast. In recovery, I wake up on time, take Penelope out to do her business, and make breakfast. I eat breakfast every day, and I stick to the food plan given to me by my nutritionist. I also use this time to plan my meals for the rest of the day. I always pack meals to take with me when I am going out. I eat every 2-3 hours, so this definitely takes organization and forethought.

I also use this time to reflect on the day ahead of me. I look at my schedule and see what needs to be accomplished. Preparation and planning are important in all areas of my life, and not just planning my meals. My addictions love chaos and disorder, so I do what I can to avoid disorganization and poor planning. I fought structure and organization for years, and now I see them as part of a peaceful life.

I took off from work today, so most of the tasks on my list were household chores. My priority for the day was lots of cuddling with Penelope. Mission accomplished.