Category Archives: Alcoholism

Alcoholism

4 Weeks Recovery

Life is getting better. I have so much more energy. I phased out my afternoon naps that I took almost every day earlier this summer. I am getting exercise and spending more time outside. I adhere to my food plan daily. I report my food to someone every morning. I am speaking with other women who share the same problems with food. I am trying to help other people who suffer from alcoholism and compulsive eating. I notice physical changes in myself besides weight loss. I hunch my shoulders and hide my eyes from people less. I walk straighter and taller and feel my confidence returning.

This Friday I go back to work after having the summer off. I work at a local school, and I am looking forward to going back. I do miss the structure of my days when I am working. I feel confident that I can incorporate my food plan in to my work day without a problem. It will just take good planning and willingness. I really enjoy my work, and I am so glad that I moved from New Jersey to Colorado last year to take this job.

Two years ago almost to the day I had a total breakdown spurred by a PTSD flash back. I lost my ability to work. I couldn’t read temporarily. I felt like someone reached into my brain and stirred its contents, and I had to spend almost a year getting everything back into place. I lost my job of ten years after I was not able to return to work after 3 months of FMLA leave. I was a walking zombie mired in depression. I did not leave the house except to go to therapy. I was incapable of any social interaction. My parents were my heroes. I moved into their house. They helped me clean out my condo and put it on the market. My mother fought tirelessly with insurance companies and to get me on disability. I was incapable of doing any of it. If I did not have my parents, I could easily have wound up homeless and without medical care.

Things did not turn around for me until the following spring. My doctors made an adjustment to my medication that made a massive difference in my ability to cope with daily life. Within days I came out of my fog and back into reality. I started socializing again. I visited a few supportive old friends. I planned a trip to spend 3 weeks with my brother and his family in Colorado. Those three weeks I spent in Colorado revitalized me. The weather and scenery were beautiful. I loved spending time with my niece and nephew. I thought about moving to Steamboat Springs for years, but it had never seemed like the right time with my job. Now I had nothing to hold me back. My job was gone, and my house was sold. It was time to make the change.

I went back to New Jersey, and told my parents of my decision, which they supported. I started looking for jobs online immediately. I was worried about my marketability for employment with a one year gap on my resume, but it turned out not to be an issue. I had a phone interview for my job at the school, and I was hired over the phone to start in early October. My brother and sister-in-law invited me to stay with them for a few months. Once my parents realized I was serious and had a solid plan, they also decided it was time to move to Steamboat. I moved out in September, and they followed in December once they sold their home. My whole immediate family now lives in Steamboat. We all enjoy the natural beauty, lovely weather, slower pace, and quality of life we found here.

My recovery from compulsive overeating is really the last of my battles for now. I have not touched alcohol or drugs in 12 years, I am getting successful medical attention for my mental illness, and now I am taking care of my problems with food. Something new may always pop up, but for now, I am doing everything I can to have a healthy and successful life.

3 Weeks

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I now have 3 weeks of abstinence, and there are definitely positive changes happening. I have more energy. I no longer feel the need for a daily nap. My ability to walk is improving. I am now up to walking a mile and a half, and the pain in my leg and back is no where near as debilitating. I am sure I have lost weight, but I do not know how much. I do not own a scale and I do not intend to get one. How I feel and what I can do are more important than a number on a scale.

This last weekend we had 27 family members gathered to celebrate my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. The weekend was full of drinking and eating. It is not difficult for me to abstain from alcohol after 12 years of sobriety, but the food was more difficult. I did not eat any of the appetizers are other food served to the guests. I stuck to my food plan entirely and prepared my own meals. I tried to stay useful by washing dishes and picking up trash and recycling. Some of our family members had questions for me about what I was eating and why, and I answered honestly. Anyone who inquired was supportive. I feel fortunate to have kind and loving extended family (and immediate family).

Bloggers Block

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I have not posted in the last few months, but not because I have not had anything to say. There is a lot going on in my life of real significance, but I have not felt that I could openly share about what is happening because of how it involves other people in my life. I am trying to be completely honest and forthright on this blog, but I am trying to leave the privacy of others intact.

First, my mother had some issues with her health, but she is now doing much better. She does not like to discuss any of it publicly, so I will just leave it at that. She is entitled to determine how much of her life she wants to share.

I also had some serious issues at work. I came very close to losing my job a few months ago, and this took quite a toll on me. I have co-workers who read my blog, so I’ve been avoiding discussing anything related to my job here.

I have also had some relationship issues, and I kept that private in order to protect the privacy of the guy I was seeing. We did split up, and it was messy for a while. He is a good person though, and we are making progress at keeping our friendship alive.

Between my mom, my job, and the end of my relationship, its been tough. The fog of depression and stress was rough for a while, but I feel like I am coming through to the other side. I am working on how to write about what I’ve been going through while protecting the privacy of others, and it just isn’t easy. I guess what I can address is how I cope.

When the going gets tough, what I need most is to have a solid routine in place. I think I made it through the last few months sober and with my abstinence intact by having a strong routine. One important lesson that I learned in rehab is that there are things that I must do no matter how I feel. It was important for me to apply this lesson to keep my routine going, even though I often did not have the motivation. The director of the rehab broke things down into a simple acronym that I often refer to: SERF

Spirituality
Exercise
Rest
Food Plan

If I keep all of these in check, I am able to get through anything. There was one Saturday that I was feeling especially down and depressed. I woke up in tears, and I was stressed out upon awakening. That is a really bad sign for me. I knew that I had to make some special efforts to keep the situation from spiraling out of control. I got up even though I wanted to stay in bed. I cleaned my house. I went for a hike with my dog. I smiled and said hello to people even though I would have preferred to avoid eye contact. I did my errands that needed to be done. I stuck to my food plan. I refused to feed my depression by staying in bed and sleeping. I refused to overeat in attempt to comfort myself. I stick to my routine. I do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel about it.

Having suffered from depression for most of my life, I also know that it does eventually pass. I constantly remind myself, on good and bad days, that this too shall pass. If I remind myself regularly of this basic fact, it comes to me more easily when I most need to remember it. I also spoke up and let people around me know that I was going through a difficult period, and they also reminded me that it would pass in time. They reminded me of my resilience and strength, and that I did not have to suffer alone.

Estimable Acts

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Early sobriety is tough. I did not expect that when I stopped drinking I would suddenly start to feel life with a new intensity. I thought quitting drinking just meant that I would be more bored than usual and that I might need a new hobby. Once I realized that I really wanted permanent sobriety, I knew that I was going to have to find some new ways to cope with everything I was feeling. I committed to going through the 12 steps, and I allowed myself to be guided by others with more experience in sobriety. My mind was clear enough for me to realize that I had nothing to lose.

I stopped drinking when I was 28. I was single, I worked part-time, and I was back living with my parents. When the reality of my situation really hit me, my self-esteem was really low. I felt a new level of inferiority that I had not experienced before. I felt like a failure. I was scared of the world, and scared of growing up. I feared that I would never be independent. Sobriety did not feel like a gift. It was more like losing what was most important to me.

It took every bit of faith and hope I had to go forward with the 12 steps. As I went through the steps, I had to face some tough realities about who I was and what drove my decision making-mainly fear. I began to realize that my problems were of my own making. These realizations coupled with my already low level of self-esteem were incredibly uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable made me want to change, but I had no idea how to change. How could I start feeling better about myself?

One day I heard the answer I was looking for at a 12 step meeting. It may have been said a thousand times before and a thousand times since, but it was a novel idea when I heard it.
The only way to build self-esteem is to do estimable acts. That idea made sense to me. If it needed to be built, it would require constructive action on my part. But what exactly was an estimable act?

It seemed complicated, but it was actually simple. I needed to start doing things for other people. I started small. I offered people rides to and from meetings. I became more helpful around the house. I made an effort to talk to other newcomers even though I was still painfully shy. I had to start somewhere. Even these small acts helped. The busier I was, the less time I spent thinking about myself and my own misery.

As time passed, I did more. I volunteered to drive some women from a half way house to meetings on a weekly basis. I began monthly commitments to bring meetings at a rehab and a detox facility. If there was an opportunity to help, I jumped on it. I started to meet other people who were equally devoted to volunteering their time and effort. I was always under the impression that all helpful people were just naturally inclined to be helpful. Once I began talking to these people I realized that they were more like me than I thought. We were all just doing what we needed to do for our sobriety and to create some change in our lives.

After a year of sobriety, I began to build a healthy level of confidence. I did have to watch to make sure that my motives were right when I volunteered my time. Was it an opportunity to be helpful or an opportunity for people to praise me and think I was wonderful. I fell short on that more than once. The ultimate result was that when I chose to do something that just fed my ego, the end result was that I felt worse instead of better. Helping people is great, but my motives have to be right. The key is to be helpful without having expectations about what you will receive in return. Going through the rest of the 12 steps helped me to be more mindful of my motives.

Within a year and a half I moved out of my parents house, and I got a full time job. It was terrifying and fulfilling all at once. It was my first time living on my own and totally supporting myself. I was lonely and scared one minute, then blissfully marveling at my new independence the next. It took me a while to even out emotionally once again, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I showed up for work. I showed up for my volunteer commitments. I showed up for my family. I paid my bills. It was long way for me to come in a year and a half. The change in my self-esteem was not just due to my ability to take care of myself independently. Something else shifted during that time, and it was a more subtle change. I stopped measuring myself by imaginary standards and appearances. I became grateful with what I had instead of envious of what I lacked.

Creativity and Recovery

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Back when I was drinking I used to write a lot of poetry- mostly bad poetry on paper bar place mats that was illegible the following day. I don’t think I could even bear to look at any of it today. I know it was full of self-pity and resentment. I would go to bars by myself, sit and drink scotch, and write. It was a pathetic scene. Maybe the poetry provided some form of release, but it was really not a constructive form of creativity.

Once I got sober my head was a mess. I could barely think straight. When was drinking I could allow myself to wallow in self-pity and reminisce about lost love and other resentments, but I couldn’t stand to once I got sober. I no longer had alcohol to aid me in dulling the feeling. I had to turn my energy elsewhere. I decided to try painting.

I was working part-time in early recovery, so I had a lot of time on my hands. I stocked up on art supplies, and I began to paint. My painting may even be worse than my poetry, but this time it was a constructive form of creativity. At first I painted flowers, and I just enjoyed playing with the colors and texture of the paint. It was a simple pleasure. As I grew stronger in sobriety, I began to paint more personally. I started going after my deeper demons, and I painted some painful scenes from my childhood and teen years.

Next I started doing some mixed media scrapbooks. I made one for high school and one for college. These were filled with photographs, letters, cards, and other memorabilia from those periods of my life. Most of the pages were also hand painted and decorated with other mixed media materials. I went through my life year by year and reconstructed my memories page by page. It helped me to remember some positive memories. As I read the cards and letters from my old friends, I began to see the love they had for me. There were poems, get well cards, love letters, and more. As I decorated each page around these items, each brushstroke contained a bit of my love for the person who had sent it to me.

These days I move in and out of creative periods, and I am always looking for a new medium. I happen to work for a company in the creative industry. We are allowed to decorate as we please, and my cubicle is filled with my own DIY decor and artwork. I also bought my condo last year, and I my creative efforts there are also of the DIY variety. This blog is also a creative effort. It is not creative writing, as in producing fiction, but writing for the purpose of self-expression and having a productive outlet for my soul.

My Struggles Now

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After reviewing my posts and some of the comments I received, I realize that there is one thing that I should clarify. Life is good, and I am content most of the time. That does not mean that I do not still have struggles. When I decided to write this blog it was to satisfy two goals. First, it is a productive emotional outlet. Once my head cleared, I had so much to say about my experience. Secondly, I realized that my experience could potentially help someone else. If my motives for posting change, I may need to reevaluate the need to have a blog on this topic. I must be careful to not make this an ego feeding, pride serving enterprise. I continually need to check my motives for posting everything I write. It is a simple test that can be answered by one question: is it selfish or not?

I am fine with recounting my past struggles and the solutions I have found for them. It is the truth of my past experience. Now I also need to be honest about the truth of my current experience. I am not without worries, insecurities and other forms of fear. When I realize they are there, I do my best to take actions towards changing them. Some of them are more deep seeded than others.

Commitment. I’ve lived in my condo for two years before I put a single nail in the wall. 6 months later, I still cannot decide what to hang on the few nails I put in. This does not just apply to home decor. I struggle with commitment in most areas of my life. Fear of commitment is everywhere, from relationships, to important life decisions. I did finally commit to buying this condo after renting it for a year and a half. I would like to say that I made a practical adult decision by buying it, but it was really a struggle between fear of commitment and fear of financial insecurity. Do I give up the ability to run away at a moments notice in exchange for not having to pay a 30 year mortgage into my 70s? Now add in the fear of commitment that will likely lead me to being a single woman in my 70’s and that I will always be paying my mortgage on my own. The conclusion is, holy sh*t I better buy now, or I will be working forever. So I bought my place. Now I like to stare at the amortization calculator to see how much additional principal I can pay each month to shorten this 30 year commitment.

Relationships. Family. Friends. Romantic. Not good at commitment with any of these. Here is where some of these are at today.

Family. My parents and I have come a long way. I was just internally patting myself on the back about this one, and then I remembered I was not sharing the fact that I started this blog with them, or my brother because it is too personal. That is telling. I also adore my niece and nephew, but I still find myself reluctant and afraid to reach out to them and be really involved in their lives. This is high on my list of priorities for this year.

Friends. I may not have a single friend that I have served adequately. People I love dearly, and that I carry with me all the time, are still neglected and our relationships suffered. This is a tough one for me. Alcoholism and eating disorders really separated me from my friends. I missed engagements, weddings, births of children, birthdays, over and over from one friend to the next. Most of the time I missed those events I was sitting alone in my room, just unable to take a step out the door. This produces an ache inside me that is hard to bear, but that is meaningless if I do not commit to taking action to right those wrongs.

Romantic relationships. Nothing short of a mine field. I rarely date anymore. I am not interested in marriage or children of my own (glaring commitment issue right there), so that suits me just fine. I like being alone, I like having my own space. I draw strength from being a single, successful, independent woman. However- I cannot pretend that my disinterest in romantic relationships isn’t connected to the fact that I become a complete insecure disaster in relationships, and I have done terrible harm to people that I love. Insecurity and jealousy can do horrible damage to something as pure and fragile as love.

Through the inventory and amends process of the 12 steps, I’ve done my best to right the wrongs of my past. As I wrote this post this morning, I realized a few more that should be made, and I will commit to making them. I am willing to approach people I harmed and admit my wrongs to them. The harder part for me is to allow the behavior to change, and avoid making the same mistakes again. I know that I tend to avoid relationships, instead of trying to approach relationships with a new mindset and new behavior.

Physical sobriety is not enough. My body is healing, and the clarity is returning. The wreckage of my past must be cleared, and I need to behave differently today. I must always be open to change. I cannot congratulate myself on a day without hurting people if it is achieved by not leaving the house and interacting with anyone.

Why I Named My Blog Authentic and Abstinent

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My employer recently sent me to a creative blogger conference. I came away with a ton of ideas related to my job, but I also came away with the idea firmly planted in my mind that it was time for me to start a personal blog. I heard a few recurring messages from several speakers over the course of the conference. The main message I heard was that you need to blog about what you are passionate about. I have plenty of interests in many areas, but all of my interests will quickly disappear if I am not actively committed to my recovery. My personal recovery is dependent upon abstinence from alcohol, sugar, and flour. If I ingest any of these, I am bound to fall back into my addictions, and all other interests will soon be replaced by those addictions. Abstinence must be at the center of my life. When I am committed to abstinence and my recovery, the whole world is open to me.

The other message that I heard at the conference was the importance of being authentic. I need to be true to myself, to my beliefs and to my experience. When I am sharing my experience honestly, and I maintain a commitment to helping others, I hope that you will feel that my message is authentic. When I started posting about my recovery on Facebook over the last year, I received several messages back thanking me for my honesty and authenticity. That feedback drove me to keep sharing and opening up about my experience. I abandoned the idea that my shortcomings and struggles should not be shared, and that I needed to maintain a facade that all was well. I only can connect with people on a deeper level when I share my truth. I also accept that my recovery comes with an obligation to help others who suffer from alcoholism and eating disorders, and I intend for this blog to be a place where I can share my most valuable assets: my experience, strength and hope. I hope that will come through to you as you read my blog.

Hitting Bottom as an Alcoholic

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Hitting bottom is different for everyone. The end of my drinking was not marked by any huge catastrophes, but by a deteriorating mental state, an increasing inability to act appropriately with other people, and of course, an increasing dependence on alcohol. Furthermore, alcohol was not having the same effect on me anymore, and I never really knew what would happen when I drank. I was drinking more and more when I was alone, and people around me had no idea how bad the situation really was. I was also deeply mired in resentment and self-pity. I bemoaned my failed relationships, my inability to hold a real job, and that I was still living with my parents at 28. I was depressed, volatile, and extremely self-centered- not that I could see it at the time.

The week before I stopped drinking I was on vacation with my family in Florida. I stayed in a condo with my parents, my brother, and his then girlfriend, now his wife. No one else seemed to interpret a vacation as an excuse to drink around the clock. I vaguely remember downing drinks morning, noon, and night. By the time we would go out for dinner, I was increasingly obnoxious. One night I stole some items off the table before leaving the restaurant. Another night my father expressed his disgust with my drunken behavior at the table. My reaction was pathetic. We went back to the condo, and I sat on the couch and pulled a blanket over my head and cried. I vowed never to speak to my father again- even though I was living under his roof with no intention of moving out.

My sobriety date is February 24, 2004. It was really a day like any other. It was a Monday night several days after that trip to Florida, and I was sitting on a stool at a local bar drinking a vodka and cranberry. I was suddenly struck by an unsettling realization. I was on my second drink of the night, and I knew with absolute certainty that the feeling I had by the second drink of the evening was as good as I ever felt. Even with that knowledge, I knew that the second drink would be followed by many others, and that I was chasing a feeling that I never could attain. It was a daily exercise in futility, and I really only ever felt worse. That drink was followed by several others, a drunken drive home, and the inevitable hangover I would face in the morning.

I was always vehemently against drunk driving. In the last six months of my drinking, I could no longer stop myself from doing it. I would go out at night with every intention of just having one or two drinks, and would wind up having far more. I could no longer stop at one or two, and my good judgment was obsolete once the night would wear on. I would always awake remorseful. I also almost always had nightmares about driving drunk as well. My own principles could not stop me, and it was incredibly unnerving. My increased drunk driving and my own aversion to it definitely impacted my ultimate willingness to stop drinking.

I woke up on Tuesday, and I had no idea that I would be continually sober over the next nine years. I just didn’t drink that day. Then the next day. Once I made it a few days, I decided I would try not to for a few more. I was incredibly uncomfortable not drinking, but I kept at it. I did not receive any professional or non-professional help. After around 25 days I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I knew that I should not drink, but I just didn’t think it would be possible to stay away from drinking. I still thought about it almost every waking minute. I felt doomed to a life of boredom, isolation and anxiety. Just not drinking was simply not enough. The alcohol was removed from me, and I was out of the relentless cycle of drinking. I had no idea that I was just facing the beginning of my problems. I showed up at my first 12 step meeting once I hit this point. The realization that I could not live with or without alcohol was my real bottom.

Alcoholism and Eating Disorders

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Recovery from alcoholism and recovery from compulsive overeating and other eating disorders differ a bit. As an alcoholic, I do not drink any alcohol. Simple, but not easy. As a compulsive over-eater and food addict, I do not eat any sugar or flour of any kind. This requires some education and commitment to be constantly vigilant about what goes into my body. Furthermore, I also had a history of anorexia earlier in my life. As a result, I need to weigh and measure my food. I need to make sure that I do not eat too much or too little.

Breakfast: 2 oz of protein, 6 oz of fruit
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 oz of fruit
Lunch: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 3-4 fruit or vegetable
Dinner: 4 oz protein, 4 oz carbohydrate, 4-8 oz vegetable, 10-12 grams of fat
Snack: 1 oz protein, 6 oz of fruit

Other people who see the same nutritionist have different food plans. This is just the one that was given to me, and it is by no means what is right for everyone.

I am not trying to say that recovery from alcoholism is easier than recovery from eating disorders. I got sober in 2004 when I was 28 years old. It was a scary and uncomfortable time. I got actively involved in a 12 step program. I went through the 12 steps, and it took almost a year for the obsession to drink to leave me. The steps were vital for me. By the time I addressed my eating disorders last year, I needed to make some spiritual adjustments, but I already had experience with the steps and the general principles of recovery. I was able to direct my focus on my food plan without having to be convinced of the need for spiritual principles in addition to addressing my eating habits.

Today. April 22, 2013

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I was away from home traveling for work for five days, and I am happy to be back home. Home is a one bedroom condo in northern New Jersey. More importantly, home is where my dog is. When I was younger I never dreamed of a husband and children. I dreamed of a dog. Penelope is my three year old chocolate and tan miniature dachshund, and she is one of the greatest gifts of my recovery. Penelope and I moved into this little first floor condo two and a half years ago. Around nine months ago I bought the condo from my landlord. It is a small place, and it needs work, but I am fortunate to have it. Quite honestly, I never thought I would have my act together enough to own a place on my own.

I woke up to a happy wagging tail and dog kisses. Penelope helps to keep me on schedule. I wake up routinely just after 7:00 am every morning. Penelope seems to know to wake me a minute or so before the alarm clock rings. Waking up at a set time, even on days off is an important for me for several reasons. As an active alcoholic, I kept to no particular pattern, and often overslept to fight off the hangover I was frightened to face. I stayed out late, slept late, and napped often. I did what I wanted when I wanted. When I was actively compulsively overeating, I would typically wake up late because I was always tired, especially from sugar and carb crashes. I would wake late and rush out the door, almost always skipping breakfast. In recovery, I wake up on time, take Penelope out to do her business, and make breakfast. I eat breakfast every day, and I stick to the food plan given to me by my nutritionist. I also use this time to plan my meals for the rest of the day. I always pack meals to take with me when I am going out. I eat every 2-3 hours, so this definitely takes organization and forethought.

I also use this time to reflect on the day ahead of me. I look at my schedule and see what needs to be accomplished. Preparation and planning are important in all areas of my life, and not just planning my meals. My addictions love chaos and disorder, so I do what I can to avoid disorganization and poor planning. I fought structure and organization for years, and now I see them as part of a peaceful life.

I took off from work today, so most of the tasks on my list were household chores. My priority for the day was lots of cuddling with Penelope. Mission accomplished.