The last time I posted on this blog, I was attempting to get back on track with my recovery after I relapsed back into binge eating.  I somehow avoided going back to sugar and flour, so I hoped that abstaining from binge eating would not be too difficult. That period of recovery lasted a few days, maybe a week.  I returned to binge eating quickly.  I hoped, rather than believed, that I could still avoid eating sugar and flour.  I made it around 5 more months binge eating only “abstinent” foods.  In truth I was just one resentment away from the right excuse to start again.

I am an intelligent woman.  Logically I know that eating bread “at” someone is not going to help my hurt feelings.  My heart was broken, and I thought I just deserved some bread. I ate bread 3 times that day, and swore I would stop the next day.  Addiction will wipe out all reason and logic.  Over the next two months, I rationalized that I would stop soon, and I would at least abstain from going back to refined sugar.  That ended the day I picked up a pint of ice cream at a Walgreens while picking up cold medication.  My rationalization this time was that it was okay to eat ice cream because I was sick.

It is now another month and a half later, and my weight has ballooned once again.  My headaches and back pain returned.  I wake up with hangovers that demand sugar as a remedy.  I find myself sneaking spoonfuls of sugar into coffee while no one is looking.  I binge eat in my car to avoid eating with other people.  When I do eat with other people, I attempt to eat a sane meal, and then binge as soon as I am alone.  It wreaks havoc on me emotionally, physically, and spirituality.  It affects my performance at my job.  I am tired of the secrecy, the pain, and all of the damage that comes along with this addiction.

It is now 1:37 PM.  I have not had any sugar or flour today. This is the longest I have gone without either since May.  I am not back to weighing and measuring  or the specifics of my food plan yet, but I know that is what I need.  I just have to start somewhere.